Throughout MK history, a unified voice has spoken out, clamoring for a horror movie icon to tear through the fabric of reality and cross over into the realm of Mortal Kombat to wage war against its warriors, culminating in a glorious gory collision of the cosmos that would shake the very foundation of the heavens.

We waited. For days. For weeks. For years. For decades.

And, after all this time, the truth has been unleashed and this mysterious horror movie icon's status made known:


Ash from Evil Dead and his mighty chin of justice still isn't in Mortal Kombat.

So instead, let's talk about this guy:


No, no, that was Robert Englund's Freddy. We're getting THIS guy:


There we go.

Anyway, for those new to Freddy Krueger, he can best be described as the equivalent of a Taco Bell special: burned meat, bad taste, and it'll keep you up at night with the runs, only Freddy's runs are blood.


(though depending on your location, blood may be involved at Taco Bell too)

For more details, little Freddy began his existence as one of the sperm from the loins of one of many maniacs that sexually raped his nun mother in prison.



Freddy then grew up to be a twisted little boy and ultimately a twisted little man that happened to like burning things, playing with scissors, licking batteries, and being forced to wear terrible Christmas sweaters from his aunt Flo.


(And thus the seeds of evil were planted)

As an adult, he eventually decided that poisoning the neighbor's cat and stuffing firecracker's up frog's bums wasn't "groovy" enough anymore (and, to be fair, it was the 70's), so he decided to do what any son of the Catholic faith with a Catholic mother would do.

He started molesting children.


In a shocking twist nobody saw coming, he was caught and arrested. In a not so shocking twist, due to how terrible our judicial system is, he was cleared on a technicality (apparently the "Chewbacca" defense was used).



Naturally, the parents of the molested children lamented this decision, but peacefully agreed with the court's rulings and came to forgive Freddy for his deeds...

... Nah, who the hell am I kidding? They burned that f***er to the ground.


But the ghost of this child molester lived on at Elm Street, where years later he had resurrected himself as a demon phantom of the dream world to terrorize and murder the new children of the parents that had burned him so... um... fairly and justly.

So, donning his trade-mark one-glove, the child molester returned from his hair-igniting experience to kill again!

(wrong one-gloved, fire-surviving child molester. My bad.)

Thus the legend of Freddy Krueger began as he butchered helpless teenages in their beds. And... well, that kept him pretty busy for the next 30 years and loads of movies before everyone just stopped giving a crap.

Mainly because Freddy tended to lose in every single one of his movies and it was often losses to young, small teenage girls (when's the last time Pinhead lost a battle against little Suzie?)

That is until the inevitable gritty reboot not too long ago, because if Batman could do it, every film MUST get a gritty reboot.

(Elm Street's reboot got nuthin' on Seasame Street's reboot)

And thus, in a glorious attempt to shill out one of their properties into one of their new money-making milk machines, MK fans everywhere now are afforded the opportunity to play as a child-murdering pedophile with a penchant for groan-worthy one-liners:

(he was dethroned as king of the puns around 1998...)

And thus, this summary concluded, what are my thoughts on the matter?

Am I giddy with joy? Am I fuming with rage? Shall I bow before my NRS lords and masters and worship their feet with my unworthy tongue? Shall I declare unholy vengeance upon them and their families for tainting the once pure and noble MK?

Disappointingly, just apathy. A rather complete indifference. I won't download him, because, like a fool, I wanted more MK characters in the MK game I bought. What a novel concept, I know.

But NRS is spared my rage, because I honestly just couldn't muster any more interest. And I'm sure he'll sell well and that means more DLC, right? (right? RIGHT?!!!)

There is only one man I have vowed unholy vengeance upon, and NRS is spared this fanboy's eternal wrath.

(Oh, your day is coming, Michael Bay. Mark my words...)

Part of this is simply because, as opposed to Kratos (who has existed for less years than a toddler makes it through grade school), Freddy's got a legacy (a bad one, but one nonetheless), and also because real fans know that Freddy himself would have wanted this, being the avid gamer that he was.

(Now you're playing with power!)

And lastly, I'm not going to bitch and moan because 1) I already did that for Kratos, which stripped me of my will to argue further (like every argument with my girlfriend, ever), and 2) this is a done deal, and an inevitability. It would be like complaining that it was going to rain on Saturday and whining about the rain for a few weeks (or as many fans did, just whine about Rain on MKO instead).

But I still think it's a missed opportunity to cater to the MK fans. Besides, if I wanted to abuse, punch, and squish Freddy to a pulp, I have cheaper alternatives.


But, oh well. It's done. Bring on Freddy, and the inevitable Jason (I would bet my dog and my daughter's first born adopted Chinese daughter he's coming).


(Kabal is not amused by Freddy's rendition of David Bowie's "Magic Dance")