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A Poem bout Tanya, REVEIW please!
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posted05/10/2008 10:18 PM (UTC)by
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QueenAhnka
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Rebel. Outsider. Fan Of The Obscure. Politically Incorrect. Spitfire!

Member Since
08/08/2005 04:00 AM (UTC)


I breathe hard as I prepare
I suck in everything that has air
I wipe away the tears
I embrace the fears
I smile as the blood sprays on my face
I begin to open my mouth for a taste
I close my eyes in fascination
My mind is then the center of a deadly infestation
My deceitful ways will catch up with me one day
Then and only then will I be forced to ever pay
I look at my yellow skirt
I realized that I’ve been hurt
I start to bleed profusely as my leg wobbles loosely
I stumble around starting to panic as I realize that I’m dying.
I feel fresh tears run down my caramel cheeks as a voice inside my head asks “Why are you crying?”
I then realize that the day has come
That’s it, I’m finally done and that justice has won
Quite crafty, man. Quitd grim indeed...
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Poasty-Guy
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We've got chicken tonight. Strangest damn things. They're man made.
•05/10/2008 05:54 AM (UTC) •
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that was fuckin' garbage



you don't have to rhyme every line you know, also watch your syllable count and make sure the words flow

you forced words and lines to rhyme when they had no reason to, and you started too many lines with "i" which i think detracts from the poem its self

it's needs a rewrite and a new approach. try reading some good poetry for inspiration and make sure everything flows properly.
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Uppercut Editions
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Uppercut Editions - Mortal Kombat Encyclopedia Project Creator and Manager - Join Our Fight and Like the Mortal Kombat Encyclopedia Project on Facebook and Twitter -

 •05/10/2008 05:41 PM (UTC) •
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I'm gonna go with Poasty. That poetry was more an atrocity.
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-Jago-
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 •05/10/2008 06:50 PM (UTC) •
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I like it, but you shouldn't use so much I's. Tanya has committed various wrongs and killed in the name of evil, bloodlust, survival, the only way she knew. She may have regret what she has done, but she feels like it's too late to turn back now, and she's afraid, she wants to live but knows she has to take responsibility for her sins. She knows that her past will catch up with her some day, and at the end when she does fall in battle, she accepts her fate and is at peace with herself.
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XTREEMIST
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 •05/10/2008 08:13 PM (UTC) •
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Meh... better than anything I would every care to do.
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satinsoven
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Why do dyslexics hate Christmas? Because that's when Satan comes.

 •05/10/2008 09:36 PM (UTC) •
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this poem is okay. it is not great, because some lines are too long or short, which interferes with the flow and ryhming. like the guy said, your syllable count should be consistent not-

I feel the blood pour down my face.
I am very angry and pissed at my kombatant, so I reach for my mace.

I will make sure that this creep's ribcage is difficult to reassemble.
My legs tremble.


you get the point. also vary your sentence structure.
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Shogun
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Thanks hikari, i really appreciate the sig.

 •05/10/2008 10:18 PM (UTC) •
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rhyming every time is childish in my opinion.

would be hella better if you removed the I's
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