Character Concept: Crystal
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Character Concept: Crystal
04/12/2006 06:17 PM EST
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RE: Fan Submission: Character Concept: Crystal
04/14/2006 03:57 PM EST
I didn't think it was that well written, and the Johnny Cage/Sonya thing isn't really mentioned anywhere (though that may just be an 'in the future' thing.) And how can a Good character have 'common death matches'? confused 3/5
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RE: Fan Submission: Character Concept: Crystal
04/14/2006 05:14 PM EST
Notice that this isn't her full story, just a profile and a little background on her. The Johny Cage and Sonya thing will be talked about in the next scene with Crystal involved. I am glad you liked it... kind of.
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RE: Fan Submission: Character Concept: Crystal
04/15/2006 11:00 AM EST
I think this is a great chracter and she would easily fit into the MK story line. Although revenge is used a lot, this is okay, as nobody in that realm has had this kind of storyline.

It was great the way you expanded her story with real time speech, this gave your character more depth and the reader got a little view of what kind of personality this character has.

As there are already a lot of Edenian women it might have been a better choice to choose a male but i like the way a male writer would create a woman, i would stick to men because i can relate to them but you have done good in creating a female character.

You say she manipulates the land around her, this seems pretty original, along with her styles past down from her ancestors.

You could have mentioned where she learned to fight in these styles, maybe finding a long lost relative or something along the lines of this as she wouldnt have learnt it of her parents as they are deceased.

But overall a great character, better than most that appear on here.

5/5
"A man with no sense of history is like a man with no eyes or ears"
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RE: Fan Submission: Character Concept: Crystal
04/15/2006 11:04 AM EST
Interesting. 4/5
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RE: Fan Submission: Character Concept: Crystal
04/18/2006 07:21 AM EST
Ok, I read it at last and I told you that I'd give a proper assessment of it, so here it is. I had some problems with it which I think you should clear up a bit.

You mention that her place of origin is Edenia. Since she is Edenian, how does she look age and size wise compared to someone like Kitana who is 10,000 plus years and still looks young and is pretty tall?

How does she learn to control Earth? This ability isn't used anywhere else. She could ahve used it in that battle to stop Rain and Tanya.

When did she meet Cage and how does she know of Sonya? This needs more elaboration.

For Silat you wrote: With most of knowledge of this fighting style, she is almost guaranteed to win her fights. Should go as that makes her seem undefeatable nearly. It's almost saying unless someone is more trained, then they won't beat her. someone of lesser skill in another style could or some god like being or a monster could. Consider saying that her own skill in said martial art is somewhat formidable.

Who are her ancestors?

She created the scythe. You could maybe elaborate on her weapon creation skills and why she choose to wield the scythe of all weapons.

As Randy said, you could mention where she learnt the styles.

One thing to remember when writing a bio like this is the MK timeline. I'm trying to make sense of exactly where this could fit given the timeline and the stuff you mentioned in the beginning of the bio and it doesn't work, at least to my knowledge it doesn't. Although, given that she is Edenian, it's hard to fully say what you can do with them due to their age span.

Also, given Tanya and the involvement of Rain, again there's conflict timeline wise. Especially when MK4 comes into play.

Why does Tanya have a palace? She's an Ambassadors daughter. I would assume they wouldn't live in a palace.

The presence of the Tarkata confuses even more! Tanya wasn't introduced until MK4, so I don't know if it's wise that you involve her with Shao Kahn.

If the Shokan are with Kahn, does this mean timeline wise this is back in the past? If it's supposed to be the present, then the stuff I said earlier means it doesn't work so well.

Shao Kahn will come and take control of Edenia - He did! Edenia was merged with Outworld up until his defeat at the end of MK3/MKT.

Where are Jade and Kitana throughtout the battle? The story sees them not under Kahns rule so again I'm a little confused.

Where is the Portal in the end? You mention a trail so does this mean anyone has access?

Aside from all the above, I like this character. She'd fit in well with the rest of the cast and her choice in styles and weapon as well as her power make her pretty interesting and unqiue. I feel she needs fleshing out a bit more and that and that her powers and some past events need to be mentioned a bit more. Also, add a costume and soem fatalities for her. Aside from those things, a few grammatical errors and the stuff I already commented on, alls good.
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