Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
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Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
07/23/2007 12:59 PM EST
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RE: Fan Submission: Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
07/25/2007 11:43 AM EST
RaisnCain, this is a nice bio. After I read this, I could tell that you had the tale of Sub-Zero clear in your head, and knew exactly what you wanted to include in this text. One of the first strong points I noticed in your submission was a pretty good use of detail, as well as an equally-admirable "transition" from one part of the original Sub-Zero's life to another. I was able to follow his actions pretty well, without getting confused or having to constantly re-read to make sense of it all.

There are some things that I think could improve your writing, though. The first "fault" (for lack of a better word) that I found was an occasional repetition of words that made some parts of the bio sound off and "unbalanced":

"I then froze Scorpion into a statue of ice and gave him an icy slide to top it. The slide caused Scorpion to shatter from the imprisonment of the ice. Scorpion was staggered."

"Scorpion beat me to unconsciousness. Scorpion pulled off his mask, revealing a skull that had fire in its eyes. He breathed a flow Netherrealm fire, burning me to a charred skeleton (Toasty!). Scorpion had quenched the thirst of his revenge. Scorpion then returned to the Netherrealm. It was my destiny to die at the hands of Scorpion..."


See how many "Scorpions" you have in these sentences, one after the other? By replacing his name with a simple "he" once in a while, you can get rid of these clunky sentences. Not only that, but "he" is a much more forgivable word to repeat than the actual name of the character.

Another example, for the sake of bringing up more methods of improvement:

" I returned back to the Lin Kuei Compound. There I appeared before my Grandmaster, and asked him for my next mission. There I met a man named Shang Tsung.

Two "theres" too close to one another. You could have used "It was then that" or something of the like instead of the second "there". Either that or you could have aded a couple of details in between the two "theres", so as to increase the distance between the two and making the word's repetition not as noticeable.

Finally, there was something else I noticed. You mentioned Scorpion knocking Sub-Zero into unconsciousness, but then went on to say that Scorpion took off his mask and set fire to Sub-Zero; the problem I saw with this is that Sub-Zero was knocked out, and could not have seen Scorpion's Fatality. If you wanted to talk about it, maybe a third-person point of view would have been the best way to go.

Overall, I give it a 3/5. I'll be on the lookout for more from you. smile

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RE: Fan Submission: Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
07/25/2007 12:11 PM EST
LeoBrZ81 Wrote:
RaisnCain, this is a nice bio. After I read this, I could tell that you had the tale of Sub-Zero clear in your head, and knew exactly what you wanted to include in this text. One of the first strong points I noticed in your submission was a pretty good use of detail, as well as an equally-admirable "transition" from one part of the original Sub-Zero's life to another. I was able to follow his actions pretty well, without getting confused or having to constantly re-read to make sense of it all.

There are some things that I think could improve your writing, though. The first "fault" (for lack of a better word) that I found was an occasional repetition of words that made some parts of the bio sound off and "unbalanced":

"I then froze Scorpion into a statue of ice and gave him an icy slide to top it. The slide caused Scorpion to shatter from the imprisonment of the ice. Scorpion was staggered."

"Scorpion beat me to unconsciousness. Scorpion pulled off his mask, revealing a skull that had fire in its eyes. He breathed a flow Netherrealm fire, burning me to a charred skeleton (Toasty!). Scorpion had quenched the thirst of his revenge. Scorpion then returned to the Netherrealm. It was my destiny to die at the hands of Scorpion..."


See how many "Scorpions" you have in these sentences, one after the other? By replacing his name with a simple "he" once in a while, you can get rid of these clunky sentences. Not only that, but "he" is a much more forgivable word to repeat than the actual name of the character.

Another example, for the sake of bringing up more methods of improvement:

" I returned back to the Lin Kuei Compound. There I appeared before my Grandmaster, and asked him for my next mission. There I met a man named Shang Tsung.

Two "theres" too close to one another. You could have used "It was then that" or something of the like instead of the second "there". Either that or you could have aded a couple of details in between the two "theres", so as to increase the distance between the two and making the word's repetition not as noticeable.

Finally, there was something else I noticed. You mentioned Scorpion knocking Sub-Zero into unconsciousness, but then went on to say that Scorpion took off his mask and set fire to Sub-Zero; the problem I saw with this is that Sub-Zero was knocked out, and could not have seen Scorpion's Fatality. If you wanted to talk about it, maybe a third-person point of view would have been the best way to go.

Overall, I give it a 3/5. I'll be on the lookout for more from you. smile


Thank you LeoBrZ81 for the compliments as well as the constructive criticism, for it is always welcomed. You made your point clear and it has been taken into consideration by me, for sometimes to better my writing, I have others review it, so thanks again.

About Scorpion killing Sub-Zero, I didn't make this clear in the bio, but he just woke up in time to see Scorpion killing him. Subby was still delirious, but saw Scorpion killing him.

Of course, third person would have been the way to go there, possibly being narrated by Raiden. Either way it works now.
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RE: Fan Submission: Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
07/25/2007 07:57 PM EST
You deserve 4 dps!!!
A great read!
Well done!
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RE: Fan Submission: Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
07/30/2007 02:41 PM EST
Just an excelent read. Your writing style is perfect for this sort of story line, and has a very solid "rhythme". I don't have alot to say other than 5/5 smile