Elder Sub-Zero -- Grandmaster of Darkness
It all began with my father. My father, was a warrior of the Lin Kuei. He too, was known as Sub-Zero. My father married a woman in America and together they conceived my brother and I as well as my sister. Against the will of my mother, my father took my brother and I with him to China. My brother and I both became warriors of the Lin Kuei, and mastered an ancient power of our Cryomancer heritage.
My true beginning with the Lin Kuei began when I had to retrieve the Map of Elements at the Shaolin Temples in China. It was there, my life changed forever. At the time, I did not know that the sorcerer, Quan Chi had hired not only the Lin Kuei to retrieve the ancient map, but hired my Japanese counterpart of the Shirai Ryu; Hanzo Hasashi to retrieve it as well in case of my failure. He was code named Scorpion. I fought Scorpion in Mortal Kombat for the map. I defeated Scorpion. He pleaded to spare him. I showed no mercy, ripping his spine and head from the innards of his body, killing him.
I delivered the map to the Lin Kuei and Quan Chi. It was there that the sorcerer made a trusting promise to my Grandmaster; the rival clan of the Shirai Ryu were wiped out, with the bones of Takeda to prove it. Quan Chi hired the Lin Kuei again, by retrieving an amulet of value to him. The map lead to the Temple of Elements deep within the mountains of Siberia. It was there, in which, the amulet was guarded by the god elements of wind, water, earth, and fire. I defeated the four elemental god guardians, and found the amulet.
Quan Chi then claimed the amulet, and it was revealed that it was actually the amulet of the fallen Elder God Shinnok. I learned the value of this talisman, for it was capable of freeing its former owner from the Netherrealm and allowing him to take over all realms. Raiden, who had placed the amulet in the temple in the first place to protect it from the likes of Quan Chi, appears and tells me to rectify my mistake, and to retrieve the amulet. I reluctantly agreed, and was transported to the Netherrealm.
I was captured by the Brothers of the Shadow and locked in the Prison of Souls, where I realized that I was not alone in my cell. I saw my rival; Scorpion once more, who confronted me about destroying his clan and killing his family and thirsts for revenge. His attempt to kill me was unsuccessful, and I defeated him. I then escaped and crossed the Bridge of Immortality to reach Quan Chi's fortress. When I arrived, I was confronted by Quan Chi's personal guards: Kia, Jataaka, and Sareena. I defeated them both, but spared Sareena, and together we defeated Quan Chi. Shinnok arrived, and blasted Sareena back to the 5th plane of the Netherrealm I managed to steal Shinnok's amulet after I escaped his grasp, unable to defeat him directly.
I returned the amulet back to Raiden. He claimed that I undid the evil I caused. I returned back to the Lin Kuei Compound. There I appeared before my Grandmaster, and asked him for my next mission. There I met a man named Shang Tsung. He invited me to what he called a «small tournament.» Except, it wasn't a small tournament. It was the great tournament of Mortal Kombat. The Lin Kuei sent me with a secretive mission of assassinating Shang Tsung at the will of Tsung's wealthy enemies.
During the closing moments of the Mortal Kombat tournament, I faced the spectre of Hanzo Hasashi; Scorpion, once more. We both fought flawless, with neither one of us able to best the other. It would be Scorpion who would land the first, most menacing blow. Scorpion used his spear to impale my chest and attempted to pull me closer to him. In desperation, I grabbed the spear with both of my hands and froze it solid. I shattered the spear into icy pieces. I then froze Scorpion into a statue of ice and gave him an icy slide to top it. The slide caused Scorpion to shatter from the imprisonment of the ice. Scorpion was staggered. I was ready to land the finishing blow, until he teleported at the last second. He appeared behind me and gave me a stunning uppercut.
Scorpion beat me to unconsciousness. Scorpion pulled off his mask, revealing a skull that had fire in its eyes. He breathed a flow Netherrealm fire, burning me to a charred skeleton (Toasty!). Scorpion had quenched the thirst of his revenge. Scorpion then returned to the Netherrealm. It was my destiny to die at the hands of Scorpion, and I did not succeed in assassinating Shang Tsung. My soul descended into the Netherrealm. It was there, I would change forever.
Shinnok and Quan Chi recruited me into the Brotherhood of Shadow. There, I turned to Quan Chi and the Brotherhood of Shadow, the very thing I resisted whilst alive. I was Sub-Zero no more, I was a wraith of the Netherrealm, and known as Noob Saibot. I would now pledge allegiance and loyalty to Shinnok.
One of my first tasks for my lord was to observe and report on the events taking place in Earthrealm and Outworld; to this end, I remained in the shadows during the Outworld tournament, faithfully monitoring the situation for the fallen Elder God. On Shinnok's behest, I aligned myself with Shao Kahn in his plot to invade Earthrealm. When the tables began to turn in favor of Earthrealm, I was ordered to switch allegiances and join Earthrealm, unknown to Kahn.
After Kahn was defeated, Shinnok, sensing his time had come, was freed from the Netherrealm with the help of Quan Chi and the traitorous Tanya, and conquered Edenia. I now served my overlord directly. But despite the Elder God's careful planning, Shinnok was once again defeated by Raiden's forces and the Brotherhood of Shadow was disbanded. With Shinnok defeated utterly, I referred to him as «gone». I returned to the service of the still-weakened Shao Kahn.
When I allied myself with Shao Kahn once more, Outworld was in a stuggle with Edenia and the Shokan. I fought for Shao Kahn's army in a battle between the two sides. I encountered a weak, exhausted Goro during battle. I attacked him, and mortally wounded him. The war ground to a stalemate.
With Shao Kahn thought to be slain by the Deadly Alliance, I was fed up with being a pawn, and turned into a player. I was free to pursue my own interests. I now had my own plans. While searching Kahn's abandoned fortress, I discovered the inert body of Smoke. Reprogramming the cyborg to remain loyal to me, I reactivated his nanotechnology, and formed plans to create an army of cyber-demons, using Smoke as a template. All will fear the new alliance of Noob-Smoke.
Author's Remarks: | |
This is a bio I wrote for Gijoker. I thought I would submit it to see the reaction of others.
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Content | 1256 words | Category | Other | User Views | |
User Likes | User Ratings | 8 | Score |
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There are some things that I think could improve your writing, though. The first "fault" (for lack of a better word) that I found was an occasional repetition of words that made some parts of the bio sound off and "unbalanced":
"I then froze Scorpion into a statue of ice and gave him an icy slide to top it. The slide caused Scorpion to shatter from the imprisonment of the ice. Scorpion was staggered."
"Scorpion beat me to unconsciousness. Scorpion pulled off his mask, revealing a skull that had fire in its eyes. He breathed a flow Netherrealm fire, burning me to a charred skeleton (Toasty!). Scorpion had quenched the thirst of his revenge. Scorpion then returned to the Netherrealm. It was my destiny to die at the hands of Scorpion..."
See how many "Scorpions" you have in these sentences, one after the other? By replacing his name with a simple "he" once in a while, you can get rid of these clunky sentences. Not only that, but "he" is a much more forgivable word to repeat than the actual name of the character.
Another example, for the sake of bringing up more methods of improvement:
" I returned back to the Lin Kuei Compound. There I appeared before my Grandmaster, and asked him for my next mission. There I met a man named Shang Tsung.
Two "theres" too close to one another. You could have used "It was then that" or something of the like instead of the second "there". Either that or you could have aded a couple of details in between the two "theres", so as to increase the distance between the two and making the word's repetition not as noticeable.
Finally, there was something else I noticed. You mentioned Scorpion knocking Sub-Zero into unconsciousness, but then went on to say that Scorpion took off his mask and set fire to Sub-Zero; the problem I saw with this is that Sub-Zero was knocked out, and could not have seen Scorpion's Fatality. If you wanted to talk about it, maybe a third-person point of view would have been the best way to go.
Overall, I give it a 3/5. I'll be on the lookout for more from you.

RaisnCain, this is a nice bio. After I read this, I could tell that you had the tale of Sub-Zero clear in your head, and knew exactly what you wanted to include in this text. One of the first strong points I noticed in your submission was a pretty good use of detail, as well as an equally-admirable "transition" from one part of the original Sub-Zero's life to another. I was able to follow his actions pretty well, without getting confused or having to constantly re-read to make sense of it all.
There are some things that I think could improve your writing, though. The first "fault" (for lack of a better word) that I found was an occasional repetition of words that made some parts of the bio sound off and "unbalanced":
"I then froze Scorpion into a statue of ice and gave him an icy slide to top it. The slide caused Scorpion to shatter from the imprisonment of the ice. Scorpion was staggered."
"Scorpion beat me to unconsciousness. Scorpion pulled off his mask, revealing a skull that had fire in its eyes. He breathed a flow Netherrealm fire, burning me to a charred skeleton (Toasty!). Scorpion had quenched the thirst of his revenge. Scorpion then returned to the Netherrealm. It was my destiny to die at the hands of Scorpion..."
See how many "Scorpions" you have in these sentences, one after the other? By replacing his name with a simple "he" once in a while, you can get rid of these clunky sentences. Not only that, but "he" is a much more forgivable word to repeat than the actual name of the character.
Another example, for the sake of bringing up more methods of improvement:
" I returned back to the Lin Kuei Compound. There I appeared before my Grandmaster, and asked him for my next mission. There I met a man named Shang Tsung.
Two "theres" too close to one another. You could have used "It was then that" or something of the like instead of the second "there". Either that or you could have aded a couple of details in between the two "theres", so as to increase the distance between the two and making the word's repetition not as noticeable.
Finally, there was something else I noticed. You mentioned Scorpion knocking Sub-Zero into unconsciousness, but then went on to say that Scorpion took off his mask and set fire to Sub-Zero; the problem I saw with this is that Sub-Zero was knocked out, and could not have seen Scorpion's Fatality. If you wanted to talk about it, maybe a third-person point of view would have been the best way to go.
Overall, I give it a 3/5. I'll be on the lookout for more from you.
Thank you LeoBrZ81 for the compliments as well as the constructive criticism, for it is always welcomed. You made your point clear and it has been taken into consideration by me, for sometimes to better my writing, I have others review it, so thanks again.
About Scorpion killing Sub-Zero, I didn't make this clear in the bio, but he just woke up in time to see Scorpion killing him. Subby was still delirious, but saw Scorpion killing him.
Of course, third person would have been the way to go there, possibly being narrated by Raiden. Either way it works now.
