Ermac fanfic
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Ermac fanfic
07/07/2008 07:30 PM EST
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RE: Fan Submission: Ermac fanfic
07/10/2008 07:57 PM EST
Edit: I got to say that this is the one of the best submitted fan fictions I've read in a long time. With that in mind, I'm going to be honest about everything and put as much detail as possible.
You gave back story to explain when it’s taking place. You also used a lot of canon information which is always essential in good fanfiction, but were still able to incorporate your own made-up events to add more flavour (Ermac Vs. Liu Kang). Little bits like that are nice to read about. I want to say that personally, I prefer a lot of details when people are inventing their own parts, but what you had was enough to establish the importance of where, when, and why, so you’re in the clear.
You were very detailed when it came to the fight scenes, you wrote every punch and kick and blast, which was cool, as you don’t see that very often. I would've liked to see more from Goro, Reiko, and Shang Tsung though, as they do have a lot of abilities to their advantage that I would've liked you to develop more (teleportation, their projectiles, non-typical sorcery, etc.).
“We were his loyal warrior who helped lead the charge against Earthrealm's forces in the third Mortal Kombat tournament.”
First thing to remember is that there was no third tournament; after the second one, it was an all-out war.
“The fortress itself is built into the side of a mountain that is supposedly impossible to climb. However, that is only because no one else has powers such as ours. We could simply telekinetically lift myself over anything I could not scramble over.”
We have other characters that can levitate or fly (Raiden, Sonya, Kitana, Sindel and Fujin come to mind) so Ermac seems to not be very informed about other’s abilities. Also, you have a problem with consistency, as Ermac’s been saying “we” and referring to himself as more than one person, but now he’s in the singular. This is Ermac’s biggest thing as he’s the only character who does this, so you have to make sure that no matter what, he never uses “I” or “myself” or other words that designate singular.
“«Dead? Killed in the third tournament? Wrong. We survived, and waited seven years for you to contact us. But the Earthrealm warrior Kenshi freed us of your control, and for the first time in our life we had our own free will.»”
Be careful when it comes to using exact amounts of time, as MK isn’t very good at keeping us informed for how long there is between games. Most of the time, we use only general terms (weeks, months, years), and never use numbers. Again, you’re speaking for more than one person, so it’s “lives,” but at the same time, Ermac is a fusion of dead souls, so technically he isn’t alive, so you could’ve gone with “for the first time since we were created” instead.
“We simply stayed out his long reach, (fighting a kombatant with two arms is simple enough, but four arms is quite a challenge) and peppered him with Hado-Energy.”
Though this is MK, there’s no need to change every combat to kombat unless it’s directly related to a tournament happening. Otherwise, spell it with a “c.” Also, the thesaurus is your friend, but make sure the words you use are appropriate for what you’re trying to describe. Words like “report” don’t often get used to mean “loud sound,” so that could be confusing, and “peppered” is too weak to describe a shower of energy blasts, as it makes it like he’s sprinkling weak blasts at Goro, which isn’t what I think you’re looking for.
“We launched into the air with our Mystic Float, and just as quickly came back down, creating a shockwave, that sent him sprawling and knocked the hammer out of his hand.”
Sometimes you don’t need to make reference attacks specifically when they are used, or even at all; it just seems awkward to have him say that first part and then mention the Mystic Float as if it’s a trademark.
«Apparently you don't know about Rieko's little sojourns into this room.»
It was a nice bit of trivia to add there. Watch proper name spelling though, believe me, when you re-read something you’ve already submitted and see one mistake like that, it hurts (I spelled "Tarkata" as “Tarakata” in one of my fics and it bugs me all the time). Also, sojourns = short vacations, so you got to keep in mind the meanings of the words you use that you don’t include in your regular vocabulary.
“It was somewhat sad; I no longer had my powers. Wishfully reaching out for it, there was seemingly nothing there. But then that familiar mystical green flame danced on my hands.”
First making him think he has no powers and then seconds later giving them back doesn’t make for a great bit of writing, as it shows indecisiveness. Maybe you could’ve done something more with this, like have a soul or two drift to him and re-enter his body to give him some power. You could’ve made it into a much more developed part here. Having him become his own person, a single mind, was a very nice ending though. Definitely a surprise to read that part.
The last thing you need to work on is a good title. "Ermac" and then submitting it as "Ermac fanfic" is boring and uninspired. Without an interesting title, you'll find few people who'll want to read it, so that's something to work on as well.
You got a lot of potential with your writing. I hope that you keep on writing stuff like this.
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RE: Fan Submission: Ermac fanfic
07/11/2008 04:53 PM EST
Jerrod Wrote:
Reserving the first post to give you a decent rate when I have more time. Before I write out a giant critique though, I got to say that this is the one of the best submitted fan fictions I've read in a long time.

Well damn, thank you. Especially coming from you, since I was inspired by your own works.
Thank you for all your advice, I'll take it to heart. I just have to figure out what to do next. Got a few ideas, so we'll have to see.
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RE: Fan Submission: Ermac fanfic
08/16/2008 07:23 PM EST
I really can't wait for your other works!
i read it with pleasure, onest.

for so far the best fanfic i haved read!
Great job dude.

100/10!grin

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RE: Fan Submission: Ermac fanfic
11/22/2008 08:50 PM EST
alllehluya, very touching, mad me teary, havn't been so soft in my whole life.
one word, Amen
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