Noob-Smoke is DEAD.
Fan Kreations
Pages: 1
Noob-Smoke is DEAD.
0
posted03/04/2009 08:18 PM (UTC)by

About Me
http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f374/Vash_15/smokehasasmokinghabit2
Member Since
03/04/2009 12:36 AM (UTC)
A brutal fight was taking place in the Netherrealm. Noob-Smoke has had a fight, because Smoke wanted to break free from Noob's hold. Smoke said these words to the Wraith, :I am sick and TIRED of being your little slave, I want out of this allience!" The wraith responded, "Never, you will serve me until my destiny of creating cyber-demons in COMPLETE!" Smoke then responded, "If I cant get out of this allience, your DEAD." Noob responded, "So, I'll challenge you to.....MORTAL KOMBAT!!!" Smoke responded by hitting Noob in the face, a cheap shot. Noob then threw a shuriken at Smoke, but Smoke dodged it. Smoke then did his Smokeycut, and a combo where he kicks,punches, kicks,punches, and another Smokeycut. Noob then got up disappered, and thre a suriken at Smoke's chest, that suriken hit Smoke, and Smoke was HURT! Smoke got down on one knee because the suriken had been lodged in Smoke's chest, DEEP. "Ughh, this thing is lodged deep...." Smoke said, almost out of breath. "Heh, Smoke your PATHITETIC." Noob yelled. Noob then ran at Smoke, and kicked him in the face. Smoke disappered in a puff of, well smoke and grabbed Noob by the neck, and started hitting him the face, HARD. Noob was bleeding he had a broken nose, but he managed to knee Smoke in the stomach, even though Smoke was invisable, Noob still knew where his stomach was. Smoke then released Noob, and Smoke was visable again. Noob then backflipped behind Smoke, and took out a suriken. As soon as Smoke turned around, Noob chucked a suriken at Smoke's self-destruct system. "Gah! My self-distruct system!" Smoke yelled. Smoke then ran at Noob took him down by by the neck, and Smoke went down with Noob, and then Smoke's self-distruct system activated, killing both Noob AND Smoke in a bloody mess.
This was the end of Noob-Smoke.
Tell me if you liked it! Give me a rating of 1 to 10!
This was the end of Noob-Smoke.
Tell me if you liked it! Give me a rating of 1 to 10!
0
Okay, first off, this is in the wrong place. There's a place for fan submissions and overall discussions is not it.
Second, you have your facts wrong on the nature of their "alliance". Noob did not force Smoke into his service by strong-arming and bullying him. He forced him into it by reprogramming him. As of right now, Smoke doesn't have the free will necessary to say "I'm tired of this", let alone fight the person he's been programmed to serve.
Aside from technicalities like that, there are other problems.
- Poor grammar and spelling
- Issues with your/you're
- Lots of repetition. (ie. the shuriken was in deep. Smoke said, "this thing is in deep."
- A writing technique known as "block syndrome". Paragraphs are your friend.
- Lack of detail. If you're (note: correct usage of "you are") going to write out a fight, you should have something better than "he did a combo where he punched, kicked, punched, kick, and then another smokey cut." This also helps to make the piece longer, but the length is more of a personal preference than an actual problem.
There's more, but I think I've made my point. I try not to discourage fledgling writers, but this has a ways to go before it gets a passing grade from me. However, I will show some slight generosity.
2/10
Second, you have your facts wrong on the nature of their "alliance". Noob did not force Smoke into his service by strong-arming and bullying him. He forced him into it by reprogramming him. As of right now, Smoke doesn't have the free will necessary to say "I'm tired of this", let alone fight the person he's been programmed to serve.
Aside from technicalities like that, there are other problems.
- Poor grammar and spelling
- Issues with your/you're
- Lots of repetition. (ie. the shuriken was in deep. Smoke said, "this thing is in deep."
- A writing technique known as "block syndrome". Paragraphs are your friend.
- Lack of detail. If you're (note: correct usage of "you are") going to write out a fight, you should have something better than "he did a combo where he punched, kicked, punched, kick, and then another smokey cut." This also helps to make the piece longer, but the length is more of a personal preference than an actual problem.
There's more, but I think I've made my point. I try not to discourage fledgling writers, but this has a ways to go before it gets a passing grade from me. However, I will show some slight generosity.
2/10


About Me
http://i51.photobucket.com/albums/f374/Vash_15/smokehasasmokinghabit2
0
Can a mod lock this?
Pages: 1
© 1998-2025 Shadow Knight Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Mortal Kombat, the dragon logo and all character names are trademarks and copyright of Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.