sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
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sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/09/2010 10:55 AM EST
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/16/2010 06:59 PM EST
I really cant take this seriously, here is what I think you need to work on

- " Shao Khan was like..."
This sounds very childish, like a 6 year old telling his mom what happened at school, If you want it to sound professional write something such as Shao khan ordered, or use a thesaurus.

Use commas (') to show possesion or on words like that's or there's ( just examples), I saw a lot of that.

Detail, word choice,
Go into detail describe I wanna hear what happened, see what happened, feel what happened. Dont say, "like the movie resident evil", thats very lame and not everyone can make a connection with it. Be like for example,
He soared in the air above me pointing his razor sharp blades towards me, As I froze there in shock the blades came closer to me and I could almost feel them peircing though my ribs and tearing the soft flesh inside me, I felt my heart skip a beat, the air became very humid the smell of rotten blood filled the room, I knew It was over for me. ( this is not relating to your story this is just an example)


Im not going to go in depth about everything but work on those points and you should be good for now.
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/17/2010 10:47 AM EST
well it was not ment to sound professional it was ment to sound like someones private diary.

thats why they where called personal logs. and considering the fact that i write the way i speek it is difficult to to word things so they are like everybody else but yeh the re movie was a lame@55 description. so heres what i am talking about.

This was something that happaned to me once in an undisclosed personal log.

there was an incident at a secret area.
this is called area 50. Brraka was unwilling to give a sample of his DNA. i tried to force him and he pounced on me.

he held me down with his razor sharp blades piercing my hands. then with a primal roar he bit and chewed on my flesh. i was in horrific agony screaming like a man being slowly tortured. the searing pain of sharp teeth tearing off large chunks of flesh was also combined with the scent of rottimg flesh and blood. Barakas head was thrashing about tearing off my entire chest.

like a wild anamal he flailed his head around with my skin hanging from his mouth. i watched this with horror as my face was pale white. my blood mixed with tarkatan spit landing on my face and body. i was struggling to free my hands from his vicious blades but it was uesless.

after eating my chest skin with one large chomp he stipped my arm to the bone. i resumed screaming as he did
the same to my other arm too. you cant imagaine the torment i was going through. it was unspeakable.

after that he worked on my legs with mindless brutality eating the flesh off of them like a chicken drumstck. my heart was pounding like crazy and i was going into shock. but not before both my legs were stripped to the bone.

when i was still awake he ate my organs and then finaly he ripped my face off. when he did all i saw was his face and blood and flesh covered teeth. my face was white as paper and my eyes practicaly out of my sockets as i made on final scream of dispair cut short by the flesh being ripped off my skull.

thats simaler to what happaned in the arena.grin
"If it is alive it can feel pain. If it has eyes it can see it own suffering. If it has blood you can make it bleed. If it has a mouth you can make it scream." Darth i forgot his name. "Thats the best thing about you humans. You bleed." a tarkatan warrior.
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/17/2010 05:21 PM EST
This is better, the detail and description, but you should at least use capitals like for I, or at the beginning of a sentance. Also check your spelling, there are just some careless spelling errors, this could be easily fixed if you proofread it. And what do mean personal log, like writing in a diary sort of or speaking and recording?
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/17/2010 08:30 PM EST
I mean a diary and recording because this is being voice dictated to the computer.
"If it is alive it can feel pain. If it has eyes it can see it own suffering. If it has blood you can make it bleed. If it has a mouth you can make it scream." Darth i forgot his name. "Thats the best thing about you humans. You bleed." a tarkatan warrior.
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 12:45 AM EST
Sektorseven Wrote:
I mean a diary and recording because this is being voice dictated to the computer.

uh...that's no excuse for poor grammar, or spelling

but truthfully, I can't really get past the first paragraph, sure, it's a voice log, but voice logs should be made in a professional atmosphere, I'm guessing sektor seven is a male dominated clan, and I have yet to hear any male over the age of 20 say "X was like *insert words here*," it's unprofessional and give the impression of immaturity.

I'm not rating this piece, because it seems unfinished and needs revising.


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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 08:14 AM EST
Oh really? You have no idea what I heard from a grown up. Also I cant revise this now, its too late. I learned that once approved, it cannot be revised.

Lets not have this become flame kombat.
I am working on the problems in my future submissions.
"If it is alive it can feel pain. If it has eyes it can see it own suffering. If it has blood you can make it bleed. If it has a mouth you can make it scream." Darth i forgot his name. "Thats the best thing about you humans. You bleed." a tarkatan warrior.
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 03:07 PM EST
Sektorseven Wrote:
Oh really? You have no idea what I heard from a grown up. Also I cant revise this now, its too late. I learned that once approved, it cannot be revised.

Lets not have this become flame kombat.
I am working on the problems in my future submissions.


Who said anything about flaming? If you can't take negative criticism then don't post, and if you can't revise it, then do it on your own and post it as a separate submission, like

Fan Submission: Sektor Seven Personal Log # 12.345.60 Food for the Tarkatan Horde(Revised)

btw, I want to know, how old are you?


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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 04:12 PM EST
Abysmal.

There is no art to the text, the events are irrelevant and hold no substance. It only serves to picture violence without any kind of depth or perception. The most unforgivable thing is not the grammar, but how shallow the idea is.





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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 04:33 PM EST
Chrome Wrote:
Abysmal.
There is no art to the text, the events are irrelevant and hold no substance. It only serves to picture violence without any kind of depth or perception. The most unforgivable thing is not the grammar, but how shallow the idea is.

Thank you, and to all of you commenting. It tells me that there are people in this community who haven't forgotten what good writing is.
While I'm here, I'm going to mention as well that the idea is really hard to grasp. This is a merging of the Metroid and Mortal Kombat stories where the Tekunin have taken over, joined with Space Pirates, revive samurai warriors to make into cyborgs, and they all co-exist with the rest of the MK characters? It sounds ridiculously complicated and unrealistic.
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 07:09 PM EST
i did not accuse you of flameing any one. critisisng my works is ok. just please cut me a break. i am starting to think that you think that all my storys suck.

so is there someone here who likes or at least has something good to say about this story?confused
"If it is alive it can feel pain. If it has eyes it can see it own suffering. If it has blood you can make it bleed. If it has a mouth you can make it scream." Darth i forgot his name. "Thats the best thing about you humans. You bleed." a tarkatan warrior.
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RE: Fan Submission: sektor seven personal log no. 12.345.60 food for the tarkatan horde
07/18/2010 07:26 PM EST
Sektorseven Wrote:
i did not accuse you of flameing me. critisisng my works is ok.

so is there someone here who likes this story?confused


Maybe if you wrote it properly and put in some effort people might actually appreciate it.
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