The Origin of The Raptor
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04/03/2009 12:12 AM (UTC)by
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MKHIZANK
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Member Since
10/18/2008 07:07 PM (UTC)
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TokoTai
03/28/2009 01:27 PM (UTC)
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Pretty good but in the beginning it sounded like reptile was disgusted of his race...
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Zentile
03/30/2009 01:00 AM (UTC)
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I think Reptile could use a better story, and you need to improve on your writing skills. You should try to repeat yourself less, you keep using ''ands'' all the time.
''Reptile killed him and then jumped and looked at him and then turned around and reached into his pocket and took out a piece of gum and ate it and then just kinda kept going and...''
Obviously an exaggeration but I hope you get my point.
Also you flipped from speaking in the past to the present a couple of times.

Other than that it's pretty decent.
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MKHIZANK
04/03/2009 12:12 AM (UTC)
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thank you.
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