Advice Needed: Friends of Friends
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Advice Needed: Friends of Friends
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posted10/07/2011 11:10 PM (UTC)by
Ok, straight off the bat, I'm going to let you know this is aint a short post. I've had this problem brewing for a long time and was basically just wondering what I should do with the outcome. I literally have nowhere else I can ask this so I would genuinely appreciate some feedback.
I know my best friend (let's call him "AJ") since I was 17, and since I'm 22 today, that's technically 5 years. We really gelled and got to know each other a lot better when his brother died of a drug overdose 2 years ago. He's 2 years older than me, both of us are gay, both like the same kind of comedy and interests, yet we are very different and unique from one another. Through him I've met a lot of other friends who I've gone to dinner parties with, gone on vacations with and meet for coffee or drinks with. We're both fairly outgoing so making friends has never been an issue for either of us.
In April, he got himself into a relationship with a guy who's been nothing but a bad influence. Although he already was a pot smoker, his use of it got a lot higher. He began to lose a lot of weight and skip meals due to insecurities that his new boyfriend wouldn't find him attractive. Despite having years of management experience, nowhere wants to hire him because he's applying for jobs stoned and he's left unemployed. What little money he does have, he spends on pot or weekends away with his new guy.
He's become considerably more and more of a flake, letting me down with plans on a consistant basis by being generally inconsiderate or showing up hours late to events with me ever since this man became a part of his life. For a long time, I'd felt I was completelty shafted in favour of his new piece. It's lead to a lot of conflict because he's openly stated that he knows the relationship is going nowhere and needs me there to pick the pieces up when it falls apart. It's like he's pressing a self-destruct button because he knows his relationship will fall apart, and I'm expected to just stand by and support him while he does it.
So last weekend, we had plans to go away for my birthday down to a music festival. The initial plan was for him to get a lift down to mine before 11pm the night before the festival and we'd leave together for it in the morning. My mam helped make the house look spotless, got him a sleeping bag, a poncho and a backpack, and (surprise surprise) he never arives. It's 11:20pm and he's still on Facebook with no sign of him making any effort to make his way over. His excuse was it was too late to get a bus and he hadn't packed, so we compromised and said he could come over in the morning before we left for the coach. 8.20am comes alonng, my lift is ready to bring me to the bus stop, and he's still not there as he'd just woken up. I was pissed off, so I left without him.
After 4 hours on a bus to the another side of Ireland, I met up with friends of his that I knew were down there and set up a tent for the festival. We all got chatting, had some fun, went to see some bands together, got to know each other better. It was about 7pm by the time he showed up (because he was too busy drinking at home) and for the rest of the weekend he done nothing but bark demands from me. Do this. Take this. Go here. I was expected to constantly do what he wanted to do despite having paid for my own ticket to enjoy myself.
When he made a demand for me to go with him with this really shady guy on the last night to buy drugs, I refused. He threw me some side eye and I confronted him about it. Considering he was foaming at the mouth from whatever drugs he had taken, he just denied the whole thing and accused me of picking a fight. So I went back to meet up with my other friends.
When they asked where he was, I explained what had happened earlier. Bear in mind, some of these people knew him years, I'm hardly going to be dumb enough to walk up to all of them and slate the guy off to their faces. With that he burst into the tent where we all where, his eyes dialated and bubbles falling out of his mouth, and started roaring at me and pointing his finger in my face. He accused me of slating him off in a tent behind his back, just because he'd overheard his name. In front of 9 of his friends he roared into my face all sorts of obscenities: I was pathetic, a cunt, vindictive, a liar. Every name under the sun, you name it. I was mortified and in turn lost my temper.
It lead to a bit of a heated confrontation where I went to hit him out of self defence and a fight almost broke out. His friends even had to step in and try get him to calm down, they all even insisted that I had said nothing bad about him and tried to pacify the situation. In the midst of the arugement he shouted at me "You wouldn't even have these friends if it wasn't for me. These are my friends". It turned my stomach. He went on to tell me in detail how he hated being my friend, and no matter what arguement I made back against him he refused to even acknowledge it and continued to blame me for all the conflict. With nothing else to stay for, I made plans to travel back home. We haven't spoken since.
The whole thing has been playing on my mind though the last few days. A side of me wants to try be rational and boil it down to the fact he was off his face all weekend and most likely on another planet alltogether from the drugs and try talk it out at least. Another side of me never wants to speak to him again and is disgusted with the treatment I've gotten off him the last few months, this incident being the straw which broke the camels back.
But the sentiments he said have been playing on my mind "You wouldn't have these friends if it wasn't for me". I keep worrying now that those who are mutual friends, or those who I got to know from being his friend, wont want to associate with me now after all of this. There's that nagging fear in the back of my head that I'll get painted out to be the villain because I'm the new guy to the group and they all know each other for so long, and it's worrying me because there are some genuinely cool friends I've met through him that I don't want to lose. I instigated nothing that night and I don't want to fall out with more people because of it.
What do you do in a situation like this?
For the moment, I have absolutely nothing to say to him. Manners and basic consideration cost nothing, and I'm fed up with being left waiting and hanging dry on him because he's too stoned to call to cancel or at least keep me notified on things. I think back on the way he's spoken to me, the way I've been dismissed and spoken to infront of others for the last few months, and I genuinely couldn't care less if I never seen him again.
But there is a long friendship there, and when the times were good, they were good. I don't want to lose the friends I did make through that friendship just because he's been an ass lately. There's so much I want to say to him, a lot of things I have bottled up and bit my tongue about because I didn't want it to impair the friendship, but know I don't know what to do. I literally can't imagine what I'm going to do or say when I see or hear from him again, nor do I have any clue how I'm supposed to keep any of my other friendships intact now that he's planted the idea in my head that they're only friends through association.
Do I cut off from him and the friends I made through him completely? Do I try keep friends with them yet avoid him? What am I supposed to do?
I realise this is a very, very long and personal post, and I'm probably putting my hand out to be slapped here but I would genuinely appreciate some honest feedback.
Thanks,
NS5
I know my best friend (let's call him "AJ") since I was 17, and since I'm 22 today, that's technically 5 years. We really gelled and got to know each other a lot better when his brother died of a drug overdose 2 years ago. He's 2 years older than me, both of us are gay, both like the same kind of comedy and interests, yet we are very different and unique from one another. Through him I've met a lot of other friends who I've gone to dinner parties with, gone on vacations with and meet for coffee or drinks with. We're both fairly outgoing so making friends has never been an issue for either of us.
In April, he got himself into a relationship with a guy who's been nothing but a bad influence. Although he already was a pot smoker, his use of it got a lot higher. He began to lose a lot of weight and skip meals due to insecurities that his new boyfriend wouldn't find him attractive. Despite having years of management experience, nowhere wants to hire him because he's applying for jobs stoned and he's left unemployed. What little money he does have, he spends on pot or weekends away with his new guy.
He's become considerably more and more of a flake, letting me down with plans on a consistant basis by being generally inconsiderate or showing up hours late to events with me ever since this man became a part of his life. For a long time, I'd felt I was completelty shafted in favour of his new piece. It's lead to a lot of conflict because he's openly stated that he knows the relationship is going nowhere and needs me there to pick the pieces up when it falls apart. It's like he's pressing a self-destruct button because he knows his relationship will fall apart, and I'm expected to just stand by and support him while he does it.
So last weekend, we had plans to go away for my birthday down to a music festival. The initial plan was for him to get a lift down to mine before 11pm the night before the festival and we'd leave together for it in the morning. My mam helped make the house look spotless, got him a sleeping bag, a poncho and a backpack, and (surprise surprise) he never arives. It's 11:20pm and he's still on Facebook with no sign of him making any effort to make his way over. His excuse was it was too late to get a bus and he hadn't packed, so we compromised and said he could come over in the morning before we left for the coach. 8.20am comes alonng, my lift is ready to bring me to the bus stop, and he's still not there as he'd just woken up. I was pissed off, so I left without him.
After 4 hours on a bus to the another side of Ireland, I met up with friends of his that I knew were down there and set up a tent for the festival. We all got chatting, had some fun, went to see some bands together, got to know each other better. It was about 7pm by the time he showed up (because he was too busy drinking at home) and for the rest of the weekend he done nothing but bark demands from me. Do this. Take this. Go here. I was expected to constantly do what he wanted to do despite having paid for my own ticket to enjoy myself.
When he made a demand for me to go with him with this really shady guy on the last night to buy drugs, I refused. He threw me some side eye and I confronted him about it. Considering he was foaming at the mouth from whatever drugs he had taken, he just denied the whole thing and accused me of picking a fight. So I went back to meet up with my other friends.
When they asked where he was, I explained what had happened earlier. Bear in mind, some of these people knew him years, I'm hardly going to be dumb enough to walk up to all of them and slate the guy off to their faces. With that he burst into the tent where we all where, his eyes dialated and bubbles falling out of his mouth, and started roaring at me and pointing his finger in my face. He accused me of slating him off in a tent behind his back, just because he'd overheard his name. In front of 9 of his friends he roared into my face all sorts of obscenities: I was pathetic, a cunt, vindictive, a liar. Every name under the sun, you name it. I was mortified and in turn lost my temper.
It lead to a bit of a heated confrontation where I went to hit him out of self defence and a fight almost broke out. His friends even had to step in and try get him to calm down, they all even insisted that I had said nothing bad about him and tried to pacify the situation. In the midst of the arugement he shouted at me "You wouldn't even have these friends if it wasn't for me. These are my friends". It turned my stomach. He went on to tell me in detail how he hated being my friend, and no matter what arguement I made back against him he refused to even acknowledge it and continued to blame me for all the conflict. With nothing else to stay for, I made plans to travel back home. We haven't spoken since.
The whole thing has been playing on my mind though the last few days. A side of me wants to try be rational and boil it down to the fact he was off his face all weekend and most likely on another planet alltogether from the drugs and try talk it out at least. Another side of me never wants to speak to him again and is disgusted with the treatment I've gotten off him the last few months, this incident being the straw which broke the camels back.
But the sentiments he said have been playing on my mind "You wouldn't have these friends if it wasn't for me". I keep worrying now that those who are mutual friends, or those who I got to know from being his friend, wont want to associate with me now after all of this. There's that nagging fear in the back of my head that I'll get painted out to be the villain because I'm the new guy to the group and they all know each other for so long, and it's worrying me because there are some genuinely cool friends I've met through him that I don't want to lose. I instigated nothing that night and I don't want to fall out with more people because of it.
What do you do in a situation like this?
For the moment, I have absolutely nothing to say to him. Manners and basic consideration cost nothing, and I'm fed up with being left waiting and hanging dry on him because he's too stoned to call to cancel or at least keep me notified on things. I think back on the way he's spoken to me, the way I've been dismissed and spoken to infront of others for the last few months, and I genuinely couldn't care less if I never seen him again.
But there is a long friendship there, and when the times were good, they were good. I don't want to lose the friends I did make through that friendship just because he's been an ass lately. There's so much I want to say to him, a lot of things I have bottled up and bit my tongue about because I didn't want it to impair the friendship, but know I don't know what to do. I literally can't imagine what I'm going to do or say when I see or hear from him again, nor do I have any clue how I'm supposed to keep any of my other friendships intact now that he's planted the idea in my head that they're only friends through association.
Do I cut off from him and the friends I made through him completely? Do I try keep friends with them yet avoid him? What am I supposed to do?
I realise this is a very, very long and personal post, and I'm probably putting my hand out to be slapped here but I would genuinely appreciate some honest feedback.
Thanks,
NS5
It's up to you if you think that your friendship with the extended friends is strong enough to survive without the friend who has contracted rabies.
I don't know what you want to hear us say. If you make the effort to keep in touch with those kids, they most likely will keep in contact with you too.
This situation just reminds me of when one of my friend's introduces us to their boyfriend or girlfriend, and they break up, and then you have to decide what to do in your life with the boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you can manage to keep it friendly, I'd say do so. Why burn bridges?
I guess you just have to evaluate if these kids are you friends because they're your friends, or if they're you friend because you were around.
I guess that's the problem with some friendships. It isn't clear if you're actually friends, or if you are friends because you work together, have classes together, live in close proximity, etc.
Happy belated birthday, bro. You're the best.
I don't know what you want to hear us say. If you make the effort to keep in touch with those kids, they most likely will keep in contact with you too.
This situation just reminds me of when one of my friend's introduces us to their boyfriend or girlfriend, and they break up, and then you have to decide what to do in your life with the boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you can manage to keep it friendly, I'd say do so. Why burn bridges?
I guess you just have to evaluate if these kids are you friends because they're your friends, or if they're you friend because you were around.
I guess that's the problem with some friendships. It isn't clear if you're actually friends, or if you are friends because you work together, have classes together, live in close proximity, etc.
Happy belated birthday, bro. You're the best.
About Me
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(Erik) Wrote:
It's up to you if you think that your friendship with the extended friends is strong enough to survive without the friend who has contracted rabies.
I don't know what you want to hear us say. If you make the effort to keep in touch with those kids, they most likely will keep in contact with you too.
This situation just reminds me of when one of my friend's introduces us to their boyfriend or girlfriend, and they break up, and then you have to decide what to do in your life with the boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you can manage to keep it friendly, I'd say do so. Why burn bridges?
I guess you just have to evaluate if these kids are you friends because they're your friends, or if they're you friend because you were around.
I guess that's the problem with some friendships. It isn't clear if you're actually friends, or if you are friends because you work together, have classes together, live in close proximity, etc.
Happy belated birthday, bro. You're the best.
It's up to you if you think that your friendship with the extended friends is strong enough to survive without the friend who has contracted rabies.
I don't know what you want to hear us say. If you make the effort to keep in touch with those kids, they most likely will keep in contact with you too.
This situation just reminds me of when one of my friend's introduces us to their boyfriend or girlfriend, and they break up, and then you have to decide what to do in your life with the boyfriend or girlfriend.
If you can manage to keep it friendly, I'd say do so. Why burn bridges?
I guess you just have to evaluate if these kids are you friends because they're your friends, or if they're you friend because you were around.
I guess that's the problem with some friendships. It isn't clear if you're actually friends, or if you are friends because you work together, have classes together, live in close proximity, etc.
Happy belated birthday, bro. You're the best.
Thanks for the reply man, don't know how I'm only seeing this now.
For the moment, I'm keeping civil with them. After all, I never fell out with those guys, so there's no reason to just cut off from them. As you said, if I can keep things amicable, well then there's no harm in that.
I haven't heard anything from the friend I fell out with in the last week. Literally, he totally ignored my birthday and everything (sad as it sounds, his mam even sent me a facebook message wishing me a happy birthday, yet I never heard from him). By the looks of things, we probably wont get back talking anytime soon if it's that petty. It's an awful pity, I'll miss the friendship.
I've tried to make excuses for his behaviour and think to myself "well shit, he was out of his head on drugs, don't take what he said personally" but in all honesty it has kinda played on my mind the last few days. I'll salvage what I can from it, if I can, but I'll have to see how this one goes. He's my best friend, and I'd do anything for him, but I can't sit back and actively allow him to press the self destruct button on himself just because his boyfriend is a bad influence on him. I'd be a bad friend if I didn't try help him.
Then again, you can lead a horse to water but that wont make it drink. Caught between a rock and a hard place here. What would I even say if he did get in touch? Is this a friendship that can even be saved at this point?
Thanks for the reply though Erik :)
Erik touched on the "Friends of Friends" aspect pretty well but I'd like to point out that if you friend is strung the fuck out on drugs, that's a larger problem in and of itself. He might not see it as wrecking his life and his close relationships and it doesnt help that his boyfriend is fostering/condoning the behavior.
The reason I mention this is while some distance in the friendship is expected. You don't necessarily have to burn bridges.
I went through a similar experience with a childhood best friend of mine and had to watch him hit bottom until he was ready to get his shit together. When that time came though, I was there to help him up as best as I could.
What sort of drugs is your friend using anyway?
The reason I mention this is while some distance in the friendship is expected. You don't necessarily have to burn bridges.
I went through a similar experience with a childhood best friend of mine and had to watch him hit bottom until he was ready to get his shit together. When that time came though, I was there to help him up as best as I could.
What sort of drugs is your friend using anyway?
About Me
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Mojo6 Wrote:
Erik touched on the "Friends of Friends" aspect pretty well but I'd like to point out that if you friend is strung the fuck out on drugs, that's a larger problem in and of itself. He might not see it as wrecking his life and his close relationships and it doesnt help that his boyfriend is fostering/condoning the behavior.
The reason I mention this is while some distance in the friendship is expected. You don't necessarily have to burn bridges.
I went through a similar experience with a childhood best friend of mine and had to watch him hit bottom until he was ready to get his shit together. When that time came though, I was there to help him up as best as I could.
What sort of drugs is your friend using anyway?
Erik touched on the "Friends of Friends" aspect pretty well but I'd like to point out that if you friend is strung the fuck out on drugs, that's a larger problem in and of itself. He might not see it as wrecking his life and his close relationships and it doesnt help that his boyfriend is fostering/condoning the behavior.
The reason I mention this is while some distance in the friendship is expected. You don't necessarily have to burn bridges.
I went through a similar experience with a childhood best friend of mine and had to watch him hit bottom until he was ready to get his shit together. When that time came though, I was there to help him up as best as I could.
What sort of drugs is your friend using anyway?
He's a chronic weed smoker, like he literally gets up in the morning and the first thing he does is light one up. If the effects start to wear off he starts getting the shakes, and he dabbles with coke and ecstasy when on nights out. He's been out looking for work since he's unemployed but since he literally reeks of grass and is 9/10 times stoned out of his head, nowhere is calling him back, and he's blaming that on the economy more so than his drug habbits.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel and I've tried stuff before, but his behaviour last week was very erratic. He'd disappeared from the company we were with by 9am and by 1pm we found him wandering around with a friend of his foaming at the mouth. For the rest of the night he was prepared to follow anyone around who he thought had drugs on them for him to buy. All he cared about was his buzz and staying on his buzz, his only priority that weekend was to constantly stay absolutely mashed out of his face on pills. He became aggitated when he ran out of them, which kinda resulted in us fighting because I wouldn't go with him to get more. His boyfriend's not helping considering he's openly admitted the new fella is teaching him new ways how to take drugs.
It's just kinda shit. His elder brother passed away of a drug overdose last year and it's heartbreaking to see him do this to himself, and I'm livid at the effect his boyfriend is having on him. You'd swear he'd know better.
NoobSaibot5 Wrote:
He's a chronic weed smoker, like he literally gets up in the morning and the first thing he does is light one up. If the effects start to wear off he starts getting the shakes, and he dabbles with coke and ecstasy when on nights out. He's been out looking for work since he's unemployed but since he literally reeks of grass and is 9/10 times stoned out of his head, nowhere is calling him back, and he's blaming that on the economy more so than his drug habbits.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel and I've tried stuff before, but his behaviour last week was very erratic. He'd disappeared from the company we were with by 9am and by 1pm we found him wandering around with a friend of his foaming at the mouth. For the rest of the night he was prepared to follow anyone around who he thought had drugs on them for him to buy. All he cared about was his buzz and staying on his buzz, his only priority that weekend was to constantly stay absolutely mashed out of his face on pills. He became aggitated when he ran out of them, which kinda resulted in us fighting because I wouldn't go with him to get more. His boyfriend's not helping considering he's openly admitted the new fella is teaching him new ways how to take drugs.
It's just kinda shit. His elder brother passed away of a drug overdose last year and it's heartbreaking to see him do this to himself, and I'm livid at the effect his boyfriend is having on him. You'd swear he'd know better.
Mojo6 Wrote:
Erik touched on the "Friends of Friends" aspect pretty well but I'd like to point out that if you friend is strung the fuck out on drugs, that's a larger problem in and of itself. He might not see it as wrecking his life and his close relationships and it doesnt help that his boyfriend is fostering/condoning the behavior.
The reason I mention this is while some distance in the friendship is expected. You don't necessarily have to burn bridges.
I went through a similar experience with a childhood best friend of mine and had to watch him hit bottom until he was ready to get his shit together. When that time came though, I was there to help him up as best as I could.
What sort of drugs is your friend using anyway?
Erik touched on the "Friends of Friends" aspect pretty well but I'd like to point out that if you friend is strung the fuck out on drugs, that's a larger problem in and of itself. He might not see it as wrecking his life and his close relationships and it doesnt help that his boyfriend is fostering/condoning the behavior.
The reason I mention this is while some distance in the friendship is expected. You don't necessarily have to burn bridges.
I went through a similar experience with a childhood best friend of mine and had to watch him hit bottom until he was ready to get his shit together. When that time came though, I was there to help him up as best as I could.
What sort of drugs is your friend using anyway?
He's a chronic weed smoker, like he literally gets up in the morning and the first thing he does is light one up. If the effects start to wear off he starts getting the shakes, and he dabbles with coke and ecstasy when on nights out. He's been out looking for work since he's unemployed but since he literally reeks of grass and is 9/10 times stoned out of his head, nowhere is calling him back, and he's blaming that on the economy more so than his drug habbits.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel and I've tried stuff before, but his behaviour last week was very erratic. He'd disappeared from the company we were with by 9am and by 1pm we found him wandering around with a friend of his foaming at the mouth. For the rest of the night he was prepared to follow anyone around who he thought had drugs on them for him to buy. All he cared about was his buzz and staying on his buzz, his only priority that weekend was to constantly stay absolutely mashed out of his face on pills. He became aggitated when he ran out of them, which kinda resulted in us fighting because I wouldn't go with him to get more. His boyfriend's not helping considering he's openly admitted the new fella is teaching him new ways how to take drugs.
It's just kinda shit. His elder brother passed away of a drug overdose last year and it's heartbreaking to see him do this to himself, and I'm livid at the effect his boyfriend is having on him. You'd swear he'd know better.
People self-medicate for a reason. It sounds like he has a lot going on internally and his way to deal with it is to stay fucked up on a regular basis.
About Me
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I'm not too sure what to do anymore, or even what to say to him. He just seems to view me now as an inconvenience more so than a friend because I actually voice concerns about his habits and because I don't particularly like his toxic other half and the effect he's had on him. Ideally I'd like to stay friends with him, but as you said, I might have to let him hit rock bottom first before that can happen. He's just in his own little world right now, which at the moment doesn't look like the kind of place where I'm welcome.
Jesus I sound like such a kill buzz. Sorry lads, it's just been on my mind a good bit. Thanks for the feedback btw.
Jesus I sound like such a kill buzz. Sorry lads, it's just been on my mind a good bit. Thanks for the feedback btw.
Happy (*very*) belated Birthday!
This is certainly a complex issue with no easy answer.
As someone who has been in both healthy and unhealthy relationships with various substances,
I can promise you he doesn't like the fact you make him question his behavior,
but that's exactly what you should do, if you care about him.
Just speaking from my own experience, I have a hard time believing pot alone could change someone so drastically.
When I was drinking, I was a *very* different person.
I didn't even realize it, but my alcohol consumption escalated to a point
where it completely changed my brain chemistry
and made me suicidal over incredibly small matters.
I haven't touched alcohol since 2000,
but my pot smoking has increased significantly since quitting.
The thing is, regardless of how much I smoke or don't smoke,
I *never* feel as bad as I did while drinking.
IOW, I would be highly doubtful that pot is solely responsible.
Are you sure he isn't drinking excessively, or taking opiates?
Keep in mind, he would probably be much more willing
to admit to pot use than something like alcoholism or opiate addiction,
and he may have you fooled as to what the real source of his problems is.
Then again, I've never met the guy-
you obviously know him a lot better.
To make a long story short,
you're absolutely within your rights to feel the way you do,
and I don't blame you for feeling bad about the situation.
But, above all else, remember: THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
I understand wanting to help out/fix things up,
but if he won't go along with you,
you'll only be wasting time and heartache.
He won't get any better until HE decides to do it for HIMSELF.
You can try to help him reach this conclusion,
but you can never *force* it- he'll just end up resenting you.
Also, if your mutual friends know him half as well as you do,
his "change" should be obvious to them, as well,
and not something they would blame on you.
I know it's an awful situation, but don't beat yourself up.
It's not your fault in the least.
This is certainly a complex issue with no easy answer.
As someone who has been in both healthy and unhealthy relationships with various substances,
I can promise you he doesn't like the fact you make him question his behavior,
but that's exactly what you should do, if you care about him.
Just speaking from my own experience, I have a hard time believing pot alone could change someone so drastically.
When I was drinking, I was a *very* different person.
I didn't even realize it, but my alcohol consumption escalated to a point
where it completely changed my brain chemistry
and made me suicidal over incredibly small matters.
I haven't touched alcohol since 2000,
but my pot smoking has increased significantly since quitting.
The thing is, regardless of how much I smoke or don't smoke,
I *never* feel as bad as I did while drinking.
IOW, I would be highly doubtful that pot is solely responsible.
Are you sure he isn't drinking excessively, or taking opiates?
Keep in mind, he would probably be much more willing
to admit to pot use than something like alcoholism or opiate addiction,
and he may have you fooled as to what the real source of his problems is.
Then again, I've never met the guy-
you obviously know him a lot better.
To make a long story short,
you're absolutely within your rights to feel the way you do,
and I don't blame you for feeling bad about the situation.
But, above all else, remember: THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT.
I understand wanting to help out/fix things up,
but if he won't go along with you,
you'll only be wasting time and heartache.
He won't get any better until HE decides to do it for HIMSELF.
You can try to help him reach this conclusion,
but you can never *force* it- he'll just end up resenting you.
Also, if your mutual friends know him half as well as you do,
his "change" should be obvious to them, as well,
and not something they would blame on you.
I know it's an awful situation, but don't beat yourself up.
It's not your fault in the least.
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