How do you get the world to blow you?

Stand in the wind. Naked.

lol at the baby jokes

How do you make a kid cry a second time?
You wipe the blood off your penis with his favorite teddy bear.

What's with these dark humor jokes floating about in this thread?

How do you make the same kid cry a third time?
You show it to him again ten years later.

While the initial joke disturbed me, the followup made me laugh.

what do you call nuts on a wall? Walnuts.

what do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.

What do you call nuts on your chin? You cant call them anything because you've got a dick in your mouth.

Why did a vampire drown to a lake?
He saw a "No swimming!" sign in the shore.

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' but the second guy just shakes his head. He says 'Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!


Joker taught me that one.

What did one lesbian vampire ask the each other?
"Same time next month?"

Zing!

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who know how to count and those who don't.

Yes.

Chuck Norris left his gate open and his dog got out and ran away. I think this kid named Naruto has it now.

So, a baby seal walks into a club.

Gabriel: Hey Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?

Mom: Who let out the chicken!?


That's from good ol' Gabriel Iglesias.

Two guys are hiking in the woods. One of them suddenly has a chocking fit and collapses, while the other panics has no idea what to do. Thankfully, he has a radio in his bag, and he uses it to reach an emergency channel.
Operator: Hello, what is your emergency?
Hiker: My friend started choking on something, and fell to the ground. He's not moving, I think he's dead!
Operator: Calm down, sir, please. First, make sure he's dead.
The operator listens to the man put the receiver down, and then a sudden, loud BANG is heard.
Hiker (back on the phone): Ok, now what?

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

a bar walks into a guy...