Really old joke..........
I've got a weird do, it's a mix between a bulldog and a shitzu, we call him BULLSHIT.

Really old joke...

I have another one.

There is a radio that plays the music you say. If you say rock, it goes to a rock station. If you say country, it goes to a country station, etc.

But one time, a man was driving with this radio. Two kids ran in front of him and he nearly hit them. "Fucking kids," the angry man said. The radio started to play Michael Jackson songs.

Three guys die and go to heaven. When they get there St. Peter says, "Welcome to heaven. We have a new policy: a lot of people have recently died who have done really good things, but they cheated on their spouses. We felt it was wrong to send them to hell, so we made it a policy that you can get into heaven if you've committed adultery, but the fewer the times you've done so, the better the car you can drive." So he asks the first guy, "How long were you married, and how many times did you cheat?" The guy reluctantly says, "I was married for ten years and cheated five times." St. Peter says, "Hmm, that's not very good. You get a Pinto." Then he says asks the same question to the next guy, who replies, "Twenty years, and only once." Peter syas, "Good. You get a Lincoln." He asks the question again to the last guy, who replies, "Forty years, and I never even looked at another woman. I treated my wife like a goddess!" Peters says "Excellent! You get a Jaguar!"
So, some time passes, and the first two guys see the third guy (the one with the Jaguar) crying. They ask what's wrong, and he replies, "I just saw my wife. She was on a skateboard!"

I dont get the first one, is that alluding to vaginal insertion?

It's not a particuarly funny joke. Just something to keep in mind when you're at the grocery store.

I heard this on hugh hefner's friars club roast,

A man walks into a bar and the bar tender tells him he has a phone call, he needs to report to the hospital as soon as possible, his wife has been in a bad car accident. He rushes to the hospital and the doctor tells him that she has been in a car accident and he has bad news. The doctor tells him that she is paralized from the neck down and he has to feed her, bath her, and do everything for her for the rest of her life because she is now a vegetable for life. The man starts crying and the doctor slaps him on the shoulder and says "I'm just fucking with ya, SHES DEAD!"