Hey everyone, I hope I am not writting a post that will tick people off, or annoy them, but I have some problems I need to get off my chest and I really dont have anyone to talk to about it so I guess telling strangers is sometimes better then holding it all inside, if maybe you have some advice, please feel free to post, but dont flame me..k, I have enough to deal without getting bashed for it. Okay so here's whats up, I should tell you off the bat I have severe depressions and anxiety problems (which I take Zoloft(depression), xanax(anxiety), and atenolol(heart beats to fast this med slows it down). There is quite abit going on in my life, problemwise, but I only want to share this one cause it is the one affecting me the most. Through-out my life, it was never easy for me, I dealt with alot of teasing, lonelyness, abuse and basically never fit in with anyone. But one very special person in my life helped me make it through each day at school and home and made me want to stay live and kept me young and feeling good.. my little sister Alia (23) years old now).. I'm 26..(though I act admittingly alot younger). All of my life, I was always secure that no matter what happend, i would always have my little pal beside me, and I realized and acceptted that she would oneday grow up and find the man of her dreams, which she did, and got married. Okay so everything is cool, yeah sure I gave her her time with her husband, but there was always enough time for me and her to chill, I live 5 miles away from my parents which is where she lives, so i am always able to see her, but then her husband decides to join the air-force, and no sooner did he complete his training, they relocate him to north carolina. With my anxiety, I am VERY unable to travel long distances without flipping out (even so much as an hour long ride is to much for me to bear...childhood scarring, gotta love it!), even my meds dont work that much agianst it, Alia will be moving in less then 2 weeks now, and each day that passes, i have these weird flashbacks about when we were young, like when me and her would laugh and do goofy shit, or make prank calls, play childish games and just have fun... It is so hard for this big brother to let go of not only his own youth, but to accept totally, that his good friend that has always been a big part of his life, will not be so close. I live in Rochester and she will live in North carolina, and though it is not as far as some (14 hour car ride), I can not make this trip anytime soon due to my anxiety, and a plane ride is totally outta the question, it will be mostly up to her to come see me. With having a home, husband and maybe some babies, this will grow damn near impossible. I know what happens.. even to the closest of friends and family... you move on with your life, you make a family, and although that special friend in your life will always be so, time takes away your childhood fantasies and games and replaces them with a cold harsh truth..that nothing last forever. Maybe I am being selffish, infact i know I am by not wanting to let go, but I am dealing with it... sometimes I just need to hear it will be okay. she knows that I am hurting, but I have spared her any legthy conversation about it cause I know it is hard for her to, but as hard as all this is, i know it is part of growing up and part of letting go... why does it have to be so damn hard though......
thanks for taking sometime to read this if you did,..