I don't often speak of this to anyone outside of my girlfriend or my family, both of whom know all of this, but it explains the profession I went into;

I attempted suicide when I was 16. I had the police called on me. They escorted my ambulance to Duke Hospital. I had 15 deep horizontal cuts down my wrists and less than a dozen vertical ones. When I say I lost it, I mean I lost it. I had been bullied to the point of dropping out of normal high school. I suffered from extreme social anxiety and had gone into home schooling / online classes. I lost most of my friends because they wanted nothing to do with me from the depression and so I cut everyone else off, including dumping my girlfriend (who ironically is the person I'm dating now, she thankfully never gave up on me) and isolating myself from my family.

Anyways, they treated my wounds at Duke and then transferred me to Chapel Hill to the UNC Medical Center, which had a ward for psych patients that were underage. I was kept there for 7 days with 6 others, 4 guys and 2 girls, and all had similar problems. I had to bunk in a room with a kid who suffered from DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). He spent entire days talking to me as if I were having conversations with multiple people.

And now, here I am going on 30 years old, I work as a part time counselor for the same middle school I attended as a kid, I got back with my girlfriend and we're better than ever and I'm left with a better outlook than I had back then. However, there were repercussions; I am left with the physical scars on my wrists that everybody can see if I wear a t-shirt and they are ugly. I always try my best to hide them.

So do me a favor to any that are reading this that know people who suffer from depression or may be battling it yourself. Talk to someone. Get professional help. Or just talk it out with someone close, someone you trust. have an outlet so that you don't lose control. Nobody you know wants to see you go, even if they don't understand what you're going through. Hell, if there are people here that suffer, hit me up. I've been through it and I made it through, and I'm the weakest person I know so that's saying something. There are still way too many people in this country, and the world, that do not understand mental illness as well as depression. They need to be educated or we will continue to lose lives.

To any who may suffer here, I'm not going to say something that's overused so I'll simply end this post with two quotes I have hanging on my wall in my office at work for all the kids to see;

“A miracle is simply a do-it-yourself project.” – S. Leek

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

@KenshiMaster16

I'm glad to hear everything worked out in the end for you man and insanely happy that you're still with us. I know I'm just some guy from an MK forum, but I want you to know that I sincerely mean that.

It takes strength, courage, and faith to make it through something like that. Bullying is a pandemic, but awareness is constantly being raised thanks to people like you and those in the same line of work. I've also noticed more celebrities taking notice of those they heavily influence, and have taken measures to speak out against bullying. It's a constant struggle, unfortunately, but you can guarantee the amount of admiration and respect I and many others have for folks like you who continue the fight against bullying is immeasurable. <3

Well thank you. And trust and believe, it's not easy. It never really goes away, for me anyway. I still have my days where I want to crawl in a hole and never come out but you have to surround yourself with those who love you unconditionally and say fuck off to the rest. People like us, like me, don't have the patience or the tolerance for that unhealthy bullshit and it can be potentially dangerous depending on the individual's situation.

I am also someone who suffers from extreme depression.....my dad had it really bad and it would seem the torch was passed to me.

I've conquered it many times, but two years ago my dad suffered multiple strokes back-to-back, and he hasn't been the same since. My dad who was one of the smartest people I've known has now been reduced to the intellect of a middle-schooler.

For the first 4 months my dad barely even knew who I was because in his mind I was only 13, and here I am at 24 with hair down to me shoulders and a beard bigger than his. Basically after all these events I started developing anxiety, and it seemed the only thing that could cure it was to eat....and eat.

I was prescribed anti-depressants about two years ago, but I gained so much weight from taking them that I had to stop. Now all my self-esteem was out the window because of how much weight I had gained.

Now I'm absolutely terrified to be put back on any kind of anti-depressants because I've been working my ass off to lose weight, and I don't want that have to start all the way over again.

I have my good days and bad days, but it just seems like sometimes it hard to shake off the bad.

I'm sorry about your dad, I've been in a similar situation with a father figure of mine. He was doing drugs, fell out of a moving vehicle, hit his head and had to have a good portion of his brain removed. He now thinks at about a 2nd grade level and he's in his 50's. Stuff like this sucks. I hope your old man is doing well considering, though.

I also did the anti-depressants thing but mine actually made me more anxious and paranoid, which in turn made my suicidal tendencies worse so I wasn't on them for very long to say the least. I've heard very little success stories about them from people I actually know, which is weird.

I've taken anti depressants when I was 16 and they made me have hypnagogic hallucinations.There was nights where I had to stay up till sunrise because of these terrifying hallucinations.It was weird because I only had the visions at nighttime.The vile visions would take hold in a matter of seconds after closing my eyes.In these hallucinations I've seen fire,death,unidentifiable people,lightning,and often see white flashes like a nuke going off followed by the blast...yes...auditory hallucinations too.

I need to get evaluated by a professional.Sometimes I don't like going outside because I feel like everybody watches me,judges me,and hates me.Sometimes I'm happy...or sad.One part of me wants to love the world...the other part wants to destroy the world.

I often think of murder....particularly my family...I know...trust me...nobody feels more sick to my stomache than me.I don't want to have these horrendous thoughts but I can't harness it.Its feels like my mind races every minute of the day.I've experience some shit while growing up...maybe trauma did this or maybe...Mortal Kombat lol idk.Sometimes i don't wanna know.

I also have high anxiety,high blood pressure,low blood sugar,and I can never fall asleep easily.Sometimes I have a sharp pain at the back of my head like someone jabbing my brain with a needle.I'm filled with so much love but at the same time...so much hate

Idk if there are any mental health pros on MKO lol but if there is anyone on MKO that has a good idea about mental health evaluations...help me out...well..

Idc...as a matter of fact...i want everyone on MKO to evaluate me with your best opinion.Trust me...theres so much more abnormal and psychotic things i havent spilled in this post.
Evaluate me! Idc if yall laugh at me,hate me,or wanna give me a good idea about my mental health.

Just...please...give me your diagnosis on my brain Thanks alot

You really need to go in for a professional session. If you're having those thoughts, having someone who knows what they're talking about be your outlet could do wonders for you. They may even be able to try and find a medication that doesn't give you hallucinations.

I don`t recall anything negative about you, OrangatangKang. You reminded me of the Dave Jaffe behind the scenes interview, when he mentioned he had similar thoughts, and opted for professional counciling. It was partially due to the dark imagery, and places he had to go while planning Twisted Metal.

You think people are successful, and have things together. We think our stars have it all, but find out tragically they`re just like everybody else.


Regarding your horriffic visions from the drugs, I used to get war flashbacks when I was a child. As a Jehovah`s Witness, I was shown various war, and Holocaust documentaries. Ruins, and rubble don`t bother me any, but traditional Teddy Bears, and older plushies with the upside-down Y perma-smile)frown would trigger dark visions. Other times, it`s thoughts of kids telling them their dark secrets of abuse.

I`m left cynical, seeing images of innocence as lies.
When talk of suicide comes up, I don`t know what to say.
Parrotting ``No, don`t do it!`` or ``You have so much to live for!`` seems like empty words, just jumping on a bandwagon, not a meaningful response. ``Get well soon!`` or ``Happy Birthday!``.



Ka-Tra

Yeah, that's a big problem. It's the go-to thing to say. It's far harder to sit and try and talk it out because a lot of people just don't want to hear it or are uncomfortable with hearing such dark talk. Personally, I find it fascinating how far left or right people's thoughts and emotions can be and what makes it trigger but that's just me.

I've battled anorexia and bulimia quite a bit over the years. Luckily I feel like I've conquered it, I have had any "urges" in quite some time. Depression is a whole different story, from my experience I've learned that you have to live with and accept it because it is as much a part of you as the color of your eyes or your height because it's not something you ever "beat".

I think I feel....American lol

I have severe agoraphobia and general anxiety...I don't know if that counts because everything else sounds worse, but yeah, to anyone else suffering with these, there is always hope, even if you don't see it.

I have a terrible family history of mental disorders. Both of my parents have terrible anxiety and depression. I've been depressed for my whole life, ever since I can remember, at least. I always feel like I have no friends and that everyone hates me, I have no self esteem I hate everything about myself. I feel like I have no identity really, and I dont know what my real personality is, I feel like I dont even have one. In 5th or 6th grade (I can't remember which) , I tried to take my own life by using my parents' pills. Thanks to my stupidity and inability to read labels they were just prescription stomach pain pills. Now I'm in 8th grade and I still feel the same way, or even worse. I have multiple drafts of a suicide note on my notes on my phone (the app has a lock just in case). I'm failing every class in school, and I wonder if anyone at school would even care if I was gone.

Does anybody have links to any of their local resources or programs?



Ka-Tra

On the topic of self help, I`ve heard Cage Your Rage is a good read.

While I`ve not read it myself,
I have had the privledge of meeting Dr. Murray Cullen many times.
I enjoy listening to him speak.



Ka-Tra

There's always hope, even if you don't see it.

Dr. Cullen also writes books, and workbooks, on various other VERY IMPORTANT topics, and issues.

Hope, and hoplessness leading to depression, and desperate acts are one of the many things Murray spoke of.
He has a system of breaking down actions, and decisions into stages, and the thoughts that trigger each step.
Kinda like thinking about thinking, why do we do what we do, when we do it, what is the cognitive process?

He also spoke of ``Pretend Normal``, what led to the Baltimore protests, and the Canadian Military Report on sex abuse in their ranks. The normalized mean spirited, racist, sexist culture. After the world stops looking, nobody wants shit to go back to the way it was, back to ``normal, THAT`s ``Pretend Normal``.

Speak up, be heard! Always strive for POSITIVE CHANGE, there is HOPE for YOU!



Ka-Tra