I'm not really sure why I'm writing this; it's not really a question or something overly important. I suppose I just need an outlet. Let me first say I am not depressed, nor am I upset in any way. In fact, I consider myself to be a happy person, if not a little grumpy.


Anywho, I sat down with my grandmother yesterday and talked for a while. While I was there, I spent some time with my youngest nephew (5) and watched him play. Then I got to thinking, 10 years ago I had no nieces or nephews, my father, my grandfather, and my great-grandparents were all still alive, my eldest brother was newly married, my cousin was just starting college, and I had no inkling that I would someday be studying anthropology in Virginia.

Today, my eldest brother is divorced, I have 2 nephews and two nieces, my second eldest brother is in college but was just diagnosed with high functioning autism, my middle brother is pursuing his masters and has turned into a bleeding heart Liberal (the boy who once had the RuneScape account name "Republican), my cousin is getting married but just discovered she is barren, I lost my father 8 years ago come the 23rd, my grandfather 4 years ago in May, my great-grandmother 8 years ago in April, and my great-grandfather 6 years ago in April, and now if everything should go as planned (knock on wood) I should have my B.A. in Anthropology by the end of August next year.

After a few hours of reminiscing, I went home and thought of days gone by and contemplated the future. For me, that means what I want to do for a living, and a generic family -wife, adopted daughter, son- that sort of thing.

Then this afternoon I went to dinner. I my home town the majority of the waitresses are over 40, but today we were dining in a larger, nearby college town. For the first time in my life I was roughly the same age as the staff. The waitress, in particular, was a girl of about my age -somewhere between 19 and 24. She was gorgeous -dark hair, green eyes, petite, and perfect teeth. Now as I sat daydreaming, as male-folk often do when they see a pretty girl, a thought popped into my head that never had before.

I thought to myself "I could ask this girl out, she could say yes, we could date, fall in love, get married, have kids, she could leave me, we could grow old together, etc. and no one (other than the staunchly anti-marriage members of my family) would bat an eye or think twice." I, of course, didn't do that, but that thought...shifted something inside me. I'm still quite young; I'll be 20 in September, but I've entered a point in my life where that's acceptable. I knew people who got married right after graduation and I remember thinking how peculiar that was, but now I know more and more people who are getting married, and even a few have children (though none were on purpose, however most have surprisingly, become excellent providers for their children).

Now, I'm sort of in a weird mood. It's as if all of time is standing still and I'm perceiving it all at once; my past, the present, and the incalculable numbers of possible futures. It doesn't hurt -this feeling- it's not any sort of sadness, or anxiety it's almost like a feeling of nostalgia, but not quite as happy.

In any case, I wrote this as sort of an outlet and any interpretation on it is welcome, and If any of you want to share anything of the like feel free.