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Katana Story ( Sub Man, is this better??)
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posted03/31/2008 08:28 PM (UTC)by
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kitanarocks2
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03/29/2008 07:48 PM (UTC)
Years ago, after Kitana attacked Shao Kahn, she made a plan.She gathered a few allies, Cyrax, sub zero,Jax,and Sonya. They all planned to attack Shao Kahn and Mileena again. So they all prepared themselfs. The day came. The 5 traveled to outworld and went to Shao Kahn's castle. They hid out in the palace hallway, dark and long. Backs against the wall, quiet as ever. There, they found Shao Kahn speaking to Mileena. He was saying " Go out to get Kitana, and I will force her to surrender, and become part of my army. I will have kitana! Now Go!!" Then the knew, it was time for combat. Mileena ran out of the room and jerked around. " Kitana!" she hissed. Kitana sent Sonya, Jax and Sub-Zero away and told Cyrax to keep guard for the outworld army, Just in case. Mileena ran and was about to jab a blade into Kitana's back, but Kitana jumped. As she came down she bashed Mileena in her skull. CRACK! Mileena was on the ground, just lying there, paralyzed. Kitana went into Shao Kahn's throne room. He was sitting there on his throne. "Shao Kahn, I've heard you wanted me to join you in the outworld..." Shao Kahn looked sharply at her, " Ahh,yes Kitana.you HAVE come...Now come join my-" " Not on your life!" Kitana yelled. She was redy to attack. Shao Kahn rapidly stood up. And pulled out a large thin sword. Kitana ran as fast as a bullet. Shao Kahn took 3 steps forward and Slashed kitana. She fell to the floor. She had a bloody gash from her thigh to her ankle. Shao Kahn towered over her. And as soon as he was about to jab her in the chest, Cyrax shot in and Dropped a bomb. He grabbed Kitana and put her in the Long dark hall way, so the bomb would not affect her and so her wound could heal. " Buzz-Shao Kahn! Beep-prepare for pure de-buzzz de struction! ZAP!" 5...4.....3............ " Oh shut up Cyrax, you bucket of bolts!" 2.........1...... Cyrax bolted out of the room to go with Kitana. And before Shao Kahn could move or speak again....BLAST, BOOM SMASH BANG!!! The bomb exploded. The 2 lived and the left the out worlds castle. But if Mileena did live....they'de be back.....for sure. THE END
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Sub-Frost055
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 •03/30/2008 03:20 AM (UTC) •
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Yeesh...

Wow, I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh here, but this looked like it was written by a 5 year old. Seriously, you have a LOT of sentence fragments and a LOT of spelling issues going on. You don't describe things either. The beginning confused me with the "Years ago, after Kitana attacked Shao Kahn..." when did she attacked him? Are you reffering to incidents in the game, or something that just came out of your head? DESCRIBE!!! "She had a plan..." Exactly what was this plan? You're missing key details and that's the reason I didn't like this story at all.

I'm giving you a 1 out of 5 because you at least spelled Kahn right.

CHEERS!grin
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SubMan799
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 •03/30/2008 03:23 AM (UTC) •
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Yeah, Sub-Frost pretty much said everything I was gonna say. Also, what was the point of bringing the other four characters with Kitana? Also you spelled Kitana wrong
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kitanarocks2
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 •03/30/2008 12:36 PM (UTC) •
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sad sorry
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kitanarocks2
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 •03/30/2008 02:29 PM (UTC) •
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I'm not perfect SubFrost.....it's my 1st story....AND it does NOT look like a 5 year old wrote it. So far,i have had 2 bad comments from you....So,could you please stop? sadsadsadsad
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Mileena18
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 •03/30/2008 04:54 PM (UTC) •
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I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH SUBFROST055...LACK OF DETAIL..POOR GRAMMER....TRY BETTER! glasses
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Sub-Frost055
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 •03/30/2008 05:26 PM (UTC) •
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kitanarocks2 Wrote:
I'm not perfect SubFrost.....it's my 1st story....AND it does NOT look like a 5 year old wrote it. So far,i have had 2 bad comments from you....So,could you please stop? sadsadsadsad


First of all, you can't tell someone to stop giving you bad comments. Becuase your story really isn't good. You can't technically force someone to stop giving you bad comments if your story isn't good. People submit their first art work and they get bad comments from people, so you have to get use to it. If you can't, then I don't know what to tell you.

CHEERS!grin
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MortalKombat2007
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 •03/30/2008 07:43 PM (UTC) •
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kitanarocks2 Wrote:
I'm not perfect SubFrost.....it's my 1st story....AND it does NOT look like a 5 year old wrote it. So far,i have had 2 bad comments from you....So,could you please stop? sadsadsadsad


It is called criticism. It's supposed to help you improve. If you cannot handle criticism, then do not post fan art or fan fiction.
I have agree with SubFrost on this. It doesn't even have a good presentation. You should use paragraphs. Your short story looks like could split into two or three paragraphs, though, that is at first glance. The best way to do that on forums is to leave space between paragraphs. You might need to the break code in HTML format when editing posts.
If you do not make an organized presentation, you will lose the readers attention.
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Kamionero
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 •03/31/2008 01:43 AM (UTC) •
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Mileena18 Wrote:
I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH SUBFROST055...LACK OF DETAIL..POOR GRAMMER....TRY BETTER! glasses

lol... "poor grammer... try better!"

but honestly... at least try to spell the character's name correctly on the title!
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_Grey_
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 •03/31/2008 02:40 AM (UTC) •
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Mileena18 Wrote:
I WOULD HAVE TO AGREE WITH SUBFROST055...LACK OF DETAIL..POOR GRAMMER....TRY BETTER! glasses


I actually lol'd.


As for the story, I wouldn't take all the criticism as a bad thing. You should listen to the suggestions people make to help you improve with your writing.
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prodigy004
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 •03/31/2008 03:48 AM (UTC) •
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Come on guys, give the kid a break. According to her profile shes only 11.

Don't tell me you could spell perfectly when you were that age.
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Jerrod
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MKO Moderator, Story Writer, Actor
Signature by Pred
 •03/31/2008 08:28 PM (UTC) •
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prodigy004 Wrote:
Come on guys, give the kid a break. According to her profile shes only 11.
Don't tell me you could spell perfectly when you were that age.

Actually, this is a guy; turns out he was a clone of Noobsaibotthenoob.
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