mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
  • Page:
  • 1
mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/20/2010 08:28 PM EST
2.0
  • United States of America
Rank Student
Posts833
Likes14 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/21/2010 10:38 AM EST
uhg, here we go again.

To be nice:

You added somewhat of a cliff hanger.

and the rest:

You failed to fix your paragraphing when it comes to dialog.
90% of the chapter revolves around dialog.
NOTHING is going on here.

If this was a book I would have read the back cover and put it back. Nothing is going on. This "chapter" which was less than 500 words... added nothing for me except for the fact that these daemons could be killed in Mortal Kombat... woopdittydoo.

Your speech for Sektor sounds nothing like the Sektor I have in my mind. The real one. Your Crimson D character is boring. Your cliff hanger was pointless and left me wondering nothing. Except for the fact that Crimson D just jumped in to a Cyberspace Vortex of Mass Confusion but all the sudden he is in the hallway killing people. I would assume he is an avatar or Shang Tsung. But, if you are borrowing plot lines from other TV shows, movies, and games then I guess he could also be Mystique, The bad terminator from Terminator 2, The master of disguise, Ethan Hunt... oh and one last thing, !!! is not proper grammar. Especially when you use it 20 times in 4 paragraphs. Sorry if I am being to harsh, just being real.
1.0
  • United States of America
Rank Fatality
Posts14288
Likes2 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/21/2010 10:39 AM EST
I'm not liking how you got Sektor looking like a wimp.

"Hey guys we got trouble! We are totally screwed now..." Wimpy, wimpy...

And also with that saying, majority of things you got your characters saying sound like they're coming out of a 13-year-old's mouth. It just looks that way.

What's with the "???!?!!" Just use either a question mark or an explanation mark, no need to excessively use both to show us that they're in shock or something.

You keep making more grammar errors, and everyone's telling you exactly how to fix that problem but it's like you don't care.

That's all I can see in this story.
1.0
  • United States of America
Rank Student
Posts833
Likes14 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/21/2010 10:46 AM EST
Here is an example of my Kabal story outline for you. Not saying this is how you need to do it because everyone collects their thoughts differently. You just need to collect your thoughts mate:


Outline

Kabal Story

What do we already know about Kabal?
Disfigured
Life of Crime
Must use resperator
Attacked by Shao Kahns Extermination Squad

Who is Kabal of this story?
Misjudged
Loner
Nuetral
Not afriad to spill blood

What am I trying to get accross to the reader?
Kabal sold his soul to be saved
Kabal jhsmanfowhg[awadsfaljdshfkjhasdopfsdfgn
Shao fahdfkadhfiadshfojdsbcnfoasjdhfjadbksdnb
Raiden dsajfohsjfghkznbgfkjsbadnfosidhflanfcn



:: The jumble of letters at the end were to not spoil anything if I run with this one.
1.0
  • United States of America
Rank Student
Posts121
Likes0 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/21/2010 08:07 PM EST
my style of writing uses alot of dialouge. and i find it to be easier to just have chapters of verying langth but if you want max memory chapters i can do that. also i am taking notes on my thoughts on paper and have more then 3 sub plotlines to insert.tongueconfusedwow
"If it is alive it can feel pain. If it has eyes it can see it own suffering. If it has blood you can make it bleed. If it has a mouth you can make it scream." Darth i forgot his name. "Thats the best thing about you humans. You bleed." a tarkatan warrior.
  • United States of America
Rank Student
Posts833
Likes14 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/21/2010 08:11 PM EST
I think I am done trying to help. It's isn't working.
  • Mexico
Rank Fatality
Posts1521
Likes1 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/21/2010 11:20 PM EST
Ekule Wrote:
I think I am done trying to help. It's isn't working.


I think your trying too hard, you gave him your advice and tried to help him but if someone isn't gonna take it in or apply it they wont no matter how much you tell them, its as simple as that. You only do so much but your a good guy for actually trying to help him out, that's a good thing
  • United States of America
Rank Student
Posts121
Likes0 received
0 given
RE: Fan Submission: mksf sektor 7 cyber kombat ch.3 the briefing ends
08/22/2010 06:46 AM EST
actually it is working i am taking notes on this story including a story map and a charicter outline. in fact heres an exerpt from my notes.

THE FACTS:

Crimson D.
1. someone or something is mimicing him
2. he is being set up so he has to clear his name
3. he is very nervous and paranoid because of all this
4. he is a wanted fugitive?

mysterious progamer
1. knows alot about computers
2. cant be seen or found
3. perfectly sly and devious
4. might be a mole
5. may or may not exist

Sonya Blade
1. suspects an inside job
2. is very suspicious of Crimson D.
3. a hard headed by the book person
4. is being tricked into thinking that Crimson D. is responsable
5. presistant
6. hates Crimson D. for some reason

Jax
1-5. same as sonya
6. unlike sonya he does not hate Crimson D.

Hotaru
1. beleves Crimson D. is being framed
2. in the name of order and justice vows to help Crimson D. clear his name
3. while Crimson D. is like sherlock holmes Hotaru is like watson
4. helps Crimson D. evade Jax and Sonyas persuit
5. is good at finding out anything he beeds to know
6. will kill to remove any obsticles between him and the truth

AI daemon
1. uses smaller avatar daemons to do the dirty work
2. almost self consious
3. will stop at nothing to do what its told to do by the programmer if he exists
4. shows no mercy or compassion
5. might be the one who is setting Crimson D. up
gringringrin i avhe ledear ttah ym orfmreyl otsm rudets eengrla ekiro sha bnee aeskngin noit ym vtpirae mrecahb ot rewa ym meehlt.
"If it is alive it can feel pain. If it has eyes it can see it own suffering. If it has blood you can make it bleed. If it has a mouth you can make it scream." Darth i forgot his name. "Thats the best thing about you humans. You bleed." a tarkatan warrior.
  • Page:
  • 1