Back in the 80's I was fortunate enough to spend some time "visiting" a Red Chinese prison. They were kind enough to let me stay for a couple months, and during this time they taught me why I should not steal Opium from the Imperial Court. How gracious they were, the noble Chinese, they even welcomed me as a brother with this tattoo:



I learned many things in the long months I spent there, but one of the most interesting encounters I had was with a man simply called Boon. Boon the Human Cheetah.



I had heard several stories about the mysterious Boon, but one day I decided to approach this peculiar man and ask him a few questions...

Gunnar McGrail: Good evening, Mr. Boon. Would you mind if I asked you a few questions?
Boon the Human Cheetah: Not at all, Candice.
GG: Uh huh. So, I'm sure the most obvious question I could ask is, why the Human Cheetah?
BTHC: Well you see, when I was but a small boy I discovered I could run fast.
GG: As in, how fast?
BTHC: Fast enough to make you pee yourself.
GG: That's cheetah fast. I've heard you quickly gained notoriety for using your speed for tripping the elderly, children, and dogs. Is this true?
BTHC: They had it coming.
GG: I understand. I'm sure it must have been quite a life.
BTHC: It was. But then came that fatefull day... I had been resting all day, and decided to have a nice, cold, caffeinated beverage. This beverage gave me power and energy like I had never felt. So I did the only thing I could do. I ran. And I ran faster and faster until the air pressure started making brain cells explode. The next thing I knew I was laying in the middle of an empty street in a pool of my own urine. I opened my eyes to discover I was left colourblind from the ordeal, and had lost the hearing in my left ear.
GG: Well, you seem to be doing just fine after something like that.
*At this point Boon had passed out, salivating profusely. After a few prods he awoke with a hollar of, "BUT THE PANTS WEREN'T FITTED AHAHAHAHA."
GG: I'm sorry, would you like to carry on?
BTHC: Oh, I'm quite fine, thank you.
GG: So what crime did you commit to end up in here? And more importantly, how did you get caught.
BTHC: I was sleeping on the roof of a building, which is apparently illegal. They caught me.
GG: Right, well, thanks for your time. It was a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Boon.
BTHC: Boon the Human Cheetah will do, thank you.

Ah yes, the man, the myth, the legend. The following day Boon the Human Cheetah was executed by sharks.

True story.