Personal rant (ignore if you don't give a flying fuck):
When your brain constantly goes mach 4, people don't understand you. They don't understand your level of logic. They don't understand how the world appears to you. They don't understand how sights and sounds are interpreted via your senses.
You're weird, you're an oddball, you're not considered "normal", and going through life knowing this, you feel like an outcast. Every waking moment, and every attempt to sleep is stopped by the mind going apeshit all the time.
Try rolling your eyes from left to right as fast as you can for as long as you can. This is a very vague representation of how my brain works. It's mentally crippling, and it keeps me from doing the most basic of things at times.
Maybe I'm an idiot sevante. I'm told I'm BRILLIANT at many things, but am unable to do the most basic of things, such as being normally sociable, being able to learn to drive a car, being able to keep a better-than-minimum-wage job.
I can create music and beats in my head, I can draw like most wish they could (at least, that's what I'm told), but I can't do the most basic of social activities.
This is why everything is a struggle to me. This is why it's hard for people to relate to me. This is why it's hard for me to act "normal". My brain acts on a different level than most people Some think I'm a genius, while others call me stupid. I could be either or both for all I know.
I'm scared of everything new that is introduced to me, and it's always a fight to focus and just get through every day. The few friends I have that still deal with me possibly understand this, but I don't even know any more.
Everyone seemingly drifts away from me eventually, and I don't know how to deal with it other than shrugging it off as "typical".
I've been place in AP classes and GT since I was in grade school, yet I couldn't even fathom dating or going to prom. I still can't contemplate the idea of someone loving me, or dealing with them for a period of time before I have to isolate myself.
I fell in love with a girl 7 years ago for who she was, and because, as fucked up as she was, she gelled with me. As much as I went on and on over her, I still couldn't contemplate her (or anyone else) loving me. I loved her - and still do - from afar. I've never met another human being that I've been so encapsulated by. She became the universe to me, and she made sense...I made sense to her as well. I've not gone a day since without thinking of her.
But I'm not someone who can hold a relationship. It stopped making sense to me. I'm growing old, I'm growing bitter, and I'm growing crazy. I just want something in this life to make sense again. It makes you hate yourself, and I've hated myself for most of my life because of this, resulting in me neglecting myself almost completely.
There has to be more to life than this, unless it truly is hell, because all I've felt is pain, and it gets worse and is seemingly unending.
"If I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way"
- Trent Reznor.
I threw away my only chance, and am only now feeling the regrets. Life hands you no second chances. Your youth only comes once, and those experiences either crown you or scar you.
