"God Jammit"

"I have found some kind of temporary sanity on this."

"Come the fuck on!"

"You two aren't banging are ya?"

"You read The Stranger? No? Well you need to. Like right now. No really, go to the nearest library and read it. JUST DO IT!"

"So I was playing Kingdom Hearts for the first time 2 days ago. And I could NOT for the life of me find those damn COCONUTS!!"

"Shut the fuck up Gobot."

Those were 500 dollar sunglasses asshole

"R is the most menacing of sounds. That's why it's called muRdeR, not mukduk." -Dwight Schrute, The Office

"Who would I chose for regional manager? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. Definitely over-qualified." -Dwight Schrute, the Office

"Welcome to Bachelor Country. You, as a woman, are an illegal immigrant. However, I might be able to get you in on 12-hour one-night-stand visa." -Barney, How I Met Your Mother

Sally: "That road looks terrible!"
Lightning McQueen: "Then it matches the rest of the town."
from Cars

"I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!"- Lisa Simpson

This funny moment brought to you by me is probably the funniest thing I've said in a while:

Boyfriend: (To me and our friend) There's this haunted house, I'm not sure where though, where you have to sign this contract that makes you walk through the entire place naked. The people who work there are naked too. I don't think they're allowed to touch you. But there's a bunch of these wild sex acts going on and such.

Friend: That's fucked up, man.

Me: So you're entirely naked?

Boyfriend: Yeah.

Me: Ew! Do you keep your shoes on at least?

Boyfriend/Friend/Boyfriend's Mother: (Laughs hysterically)

Friend: Hey, she's at least got a point.

Boyfriend: Yeah but still, what a goof.

"Michael cole, shut your mouth. The rock says this, you think the rock actually cares about this ongoing soap opera with the mcmahon family? First you have shane, turns on vince, shane turns on linda, stephanie turns on vince, stephanie slaps linda, stephanies dog takes a shit in shane's living room carpet, oh and heres a new twist shane can't get an erection for 8 months. "

Things I've said that were funny at the time:

At the end of Forrest Gump.
Me age 8:" Why did she die?"
Mom: "She died of AIDS."
Me:Huh, should have used Trojan Man!(with the jingle)

Mom Driving almost get into car Accident.
Mom to my siblings and I: calm down
Older sister: No one is panicking.
Me at about 9ish: Screw that I'm scared. Aren't you scared.
little sister: No.
Me:I'm fucking terrified.

Playing Halo in computer class
I snipe a dude and i'm a little to much into the game.
Me: Ha, you got fucked six ways from Sunday
Teacher(sub): Excuse me?
Me: What? It's a saying.

Playing Ultimate Spider-man with brother watching at 3 am
Me: dude I love this game
Bro.: you suck as spider-man
Me: whatever
During this i forget to do something causing spidey to fall flat on the ground.
I then look at my brother with the smartest comment to ever cross my brain.
Me: he's like a spider.
Brother: ??????go to sleep you retard
Me: oh yeah it's spider-man lol.

This summer forth of July. After having some drinks with my sister and her husband, we decide to go fire off some fire works.
So I'm teaching my nephew how to hold this one fire work but he doesn't want to. so me and his dad light it and for some reason i yell
Me: I am the God Of War!
The thing explodes next to the neighbors house and they ask us to stop so we go to our back yard and while i'm walking up the stairs i stumble on my pants leg and then get my cup and get some more coke and rum to which my aunt says
aunt: You need to stop already for you fall over and have your ass pointed to the sky.
I take a sip of my elixir then say
Me: It's a nice ass though.


"I would come to school more often if my pillow wasn't willing 24/7"
"I late because you guys are always early."
"I am like a god except you can see me and i'll bitch back."
Dude: yo rick you not cool son.
Me: Nah I'm not, I usually just blaze.
Me:"I'm not lame i'm just of a higher intelligence."
Friend: really, prove it?
Me: " i rest my case."


Me to friend while playing wwe 12.
Me: dude you suck at this game.
F: that's because I have a life
Me: yeah yeah which reminds me
F: what?
Me: Hows your mother. Its been what 18 years.

Me: Look, a Peruvian restaurant!
My sister: Where is Peruvia?


I was having a "tea party" with a two-year-old.
Me: What kind of tea are we having?
Child: It's not tea, it's mocha!

Talking to my three-year-old cousin about a toy car:
Me: Oh, what kind of car is that?
Cousin: *Scoffs, rolls eyes* It's not a car. It's a VW bus.
Me (thinking): Awfully high and mighty for someone who can barely use the toilet. Just like his father :D


My friend and I, talking about baking mishaps:
Friend: Once I baked a cake with a spoon in it.
Me: A wooden spoon?
Friend: No, a metal one.
Me: Why did you do that?
Friend: The spoon slipped down in the batter and I didn't know it was there until it came out of the oven.
Me: How did it taste?
Friend: Not good.

Bear in mind this is the same friend who set off the fire alarm in the dorms making popcorn, nearly burned down her apartment with a candle, was busted for driving 95mph in a 75mph zone, accidentally washed her husband's iPod, and hit an elk with her car.

"Doc you're naked! You're not supposed to be naked!"

"I'se ain't naked yet! Look at mah boots!"

"Doc I have a weird feeling about this"

"Ya gots ta suck meh dry if ya want ta win the title Mac"

"I don't know"
*punch*

"You'se don't wanna be no poor fool"

"I don't think I should be doing this Doc"

"You want the title don't ya?"

"Doc I want that title I wanna fight Mr. Dream"

"Mr. Dream? I thought we was a goin against Mike Tyson"

"10 to 6? I love 10 to 6!"
"Limp spaghetti" (My girlfriend's first language is Spanish and sometimes it shows.)

"Yeah, when I get my jeep, I'ma be riding 'round this bitch like, 'It's Quan n***a, it's Quan, all I'm missing is Aaliyah'."

The time an acquaintance pronounced Twilight Princess as "Toilet Princess".

Kaylee: "Like, a creature that feeds on your piss. It'll scare the piss out of you and then attack you for your piss!"
Me: "Piss Zombies!"

GF: "Are you covering your junk?"
Me: "Yeah..."
GF: "Dude, I've had your dick in my mouth. It's a little late for modesty."

GF: "I can't move because I have a full size (was supposed to be grown) man on top of me."
Me: *laughs* (we proceeded to make up a song about it where we compare other men to bed sizes)

Mike: "Nah, man. I don't like catching the ball."
Me: "Well, I'm gonna throw it to you anyway." *pretends to throw ball*
Mike: *flings hand and says "No." in a distressed maner*

I wrote a verse wherein I say "commence to commit seppuku", and Mike always says "comissacomissepuku" just like that on purpose.

I drank a mug full of vodka in one gulp and my gf described it the next morning with the motion of throwing a cup of fluid in her face.

Lonika: *over the phone to me* "Hi, Josh. You're gay."

Anne: "Look at how tight these pants are on me."
Me: "Uh, no?"

This isn't a funny one, but when I said it I thought it was clever.

"Doing the right thing is like eating the two end pieces on a loaf of bread. Nobody wants to but somebody's gotta do it."

I was talking to this girl on facebook about her cat, this happened...

Her: He's got a foot fetish.

Me: Well... that socks

Her: JOHN. xD

Me: Hey, I didn't shoes the pun life

Her: How do you do that?

Me: I don't know, it's quite a feet though

Her: AHHH

Me: Maybe I've just got a leg up on the competition
I think it's pretty hip though, I'm not gonna thigh

Her: KLDJFSD.
-currenly dying-

"I'm here"

Your whole post is priceless. Every. Single. Word.
However, these are my favourites.
You seem like one of those people who keep saying exactly what they should't all the time (happens a lot). A definitely awesome person to have around (you must be great at funerals).



I think I said that a few times myself, so I can totally relate to her XD.
And, of course, I've also stood on the other side, covering some of my body parts that had already been seen, just to realize it's nonsense.


As for me, well, I mess up a lot daily in so many ways that I can't even remember all of them.

"It's not about (insert cause/whatever here). It's about sending a message."

Everytime I find myself saying something like that (which happens often), I can't help feeling like The Joker on Batman and wonder if I'm becoming some sort of psychopath.
I guess I have more psyco-related words, but they're so many I can't recall every single one.

Girlfriend-"I knew i should've gotten it. Cant trust a man to do anything."

Me- "Let that be a lesson to you."

What size feet do you take?



Ka-Tra

The first time I lurk here in months opens an opportunity for something I wanted to share with some odd corner of the net, and since I left gifyo this is the only open space that allows enough characters for this story about the best quote I heard all week.

This was at a Halloween party. The party was in the process of dying down, and the people who were too drunk to drive were scattered through the floor. We're all just laying down and goofing off when the last horny couple comes into the room from the garage.

She wasn't in costume.
He was the batman.

So they walk in and get all cozy on an armchair and start saying flirty things about the sex they just had. Naturally, we're all giving them a hard time.

Then it hit me. This guy was still in his costume.

"Dude, did you just fuck her in your batsuit!?"-me
"Nah man, that's fucking weird"-him
"Oh"-me
"It was around my ankles"-him
"YOU ARE MY FUCKING HERO"



And that was the story of the time I partied with Batman.

my simple philosophy in life: "Needs more TAPE!"

These are my 2 all time favorites:





These always get me to laugh.

GF: "Did you just throw a fart?"
Me: "*silence, followed by hysterical laughter*
GF: "Shut up! English isn't my first language!"

GF: "There's a full sized man on top of me."
Me: *silence, followed by hysterical laughter*

Busta Rhymes: "Thank you tunchi for giving us another classic with Tha Carter IV."

Alex: "MMLP2 is a classic."

Mega: "Who's that bitch that sings that song 'candy got you sprung-'?"

How do you utter a document, your Golem vomit?


I AM ABOVE THE LAWR!!

Above the Lore? You are the one writing the story?



Ka-Tra