Knock Knock


Who's there?


Boo


I'm sorry, I don't know anyone by that name, you must have the wrong address.

I didn't make this joke, nor do I remember where I got this from. But anyway I don't take credit for this joke:

Been a while since the last time I told this joke, but I'll do my best to remember.

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So this one guy walks towards St. Peter at the gate to Heaven. He died very recently. St. Peter said that extra space was being made in Heaven, but if the man had a particulary nasty death, he would see if he could make some room for the man. So the man begins his story:

``I was at work, during lunch-break, and instead of eating my lunch, I decided to go home to my apartment. I suspected my wife was cheating on me for the last few weeks, and that time during lunch seemed to me like the perfect time to investigate. I get back to the apartment complex and my wife answers the door and I ask if there was anyone else in the house. She says there was nobody else in the apartment, but I know she was lying because she was jumpy and acting all guilty. So I look through all the rooms and find no one. But when I went to our balcony, I saw a man hanging by the floor of the balcony! I went ahead and smashed his fingers and he fell a long distance but landed in some bushes! In my rage I pushed the refrigerator to the balcony, I was going to push it over but my old heart couldn't take all this adrenaline and excitement. I passed away right there on the balcony."

St. Peter said, ``Wow, that is a nasty death. You may enter."

The man went through the gates. Not long afterwards, a second man approached St. Peter. The gatekeeper says the same thing he did to the first man. And the second man says, ``Oh, you wouldn't believe what I had to go through!"

``I was in my apartment, doing my daily exercises. I finished about half my workout when I went to my treadmill, which I keep on my balcony. Everything was going fine until one minute the treadmill must've jammed or something, it sped up faster and faster and it launched me off my balcony but I was able to grab onto another balcony a couple of stories below mine! I shouted for someone to help me up when this crazy raging dude smashed my fingers and I fell into some bushes! I couldn't believe my luck, I nearly died twice that day, and someone was up there probably trying to kill me! Then I got crushed by a refrigerator! So here I am."

And St. Peter said to him, ``That is a really bad way to go. You may cross the gate."

Soon after, a third man came to the gates, and St. Peter repeated his words for the third time.

The third man began, ``Well, picture this; I was hiding in a refrigerator...."

The End!

Mother: Johnny,Im giving your room to some company staying over. Do you mind sharing with Baby?

Johnny: What?!? If you think that Im about to share my room with a baby, you must have lost your mind! Im sleeping on the couch...

.....

Johnny: Good morning mom.

Mother: Good morning, Johnny. Meet Baby, the 17 year old girl that slept in your room.

Baby: Hi, im Baby. I was a bit disappointed when I heard that you werent sleeping with me .Who are you?

Johnny: ...A fucking idiot for sleeping on the couch...

The End!!!
(Not a good one for Johnny, obviously)

My daughter is at that age where she is asking awkward questions about sex..

..Last night she asked "Is that the best you got?".

I'm literally the worst kind of person.

lol your going to straight hell

Mortal Kombat: Special Forces.

What did the kid with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?

Cancer.

I'm telling mom that you said that...
No ice cream for you...

I have an even better joke, though: Jersey Shore

...I win...

2 blondes are sitting out on the porch enjoying the weather one evening when one turns to the other and asks..."Which do you think is closer? Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns to her with an all knowing look on her face and responds..."Duh. The moon is closer. Can you see Florida?"

I always found this one funny hahah

God: Toaster Strudels or Hell?

Human: Toaster Strudels...

God: ...Disgusting...Why?!? I obviously didn't make you correctly ...

we have a winner. I almost pissed myself.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream?

Because she got hit by a truck.

Winner.

I love these jokes and anti-jokes. Keep 'em coming, fellas!
A brunette, a red-head, and a blonde are all taking part in a swmming contest. It's a simple point A to point B thing, except they must swim from one island to another doing only the breast stroke. When they all start, the red-head takes a commanding lead, and at 30 minutes, comes in as the winner. 20 minutes later, the brunette swims in, securing second place.
At long last, after 2 hours since the arrival of the brunette, the blonde gets to shore, tired, and extremely irate. When she finally catches her breath, she gets up and shouts, "those two cheated! I saw them use their arms the whole time!"

One from Ren and Stimpy:

"Why did they bury the fireman behind the hill?"



"Because he was dead."

Yo momma so fat, last time she seen 90210, it was on a scale!

A blonde, a brunette, and red-head are all on top of a scyscraper. The brune said "Just jump off the side onto the flatbed and you'll be fine." She jumps and lands on the flatbed, with haybales all sitting on the back, and lives. The redhead looks down at her and jumps to the haybales, also living. The blonde yells down "Okay, I see!" and turns around, sprinting to the other side, and jumps.

Satan is gladly welcoming a new member of Hell to Hell. He shows the man 3 doors and says that behind each is a punishment that he can choose to endure for eternity. Behind door one is a man being burned alive. The man says "Show me what else you've got." Satan opens door two, and the punishment is a man being continuously stabbed by pitchforks. "Better, but there's one more." The devil opens door three and shows an elderly man getting a lapdance from an amazing looking woman. The man says "Yes, I believe this is what I want." Satan says "Okay, that's fine." the man walks in happily and approaches the woman, but just as he is ready to speak, Satan comes back into the conversation, saying "Lady, you're replacement's here."

If you're 8th grade art project involved taxedermy, then you might be a redneck.

What do you call the turd of a bass? A bastard.

I've got plenty more.

noice.

what do you call a baby with a broken jaw?

Deepthroat.

What's pink and lively? A baby.
What's blue and struggling? A baby with a bag over its head.
What's green and moldy? The baby two weeks later.

Shit's getting dark...

What's green and red and goes 30 mph?




A frog in a blender.

what do you call harry potter when he's on drugs.

a crackhead.

what did the doctor say to mr fantastic.

your balls are sagging.


why is spiderman so sad everytime he see's mary jane.

cause his web exploded.

those are just a few jokes.

Apparently Apple tried making an iPad for kids. They canned the idea though because the name "iTouchKids" wasn't catching on.

I lol'd so fucking hard. OH, FACK YEA!