(After watching the movie two nights ago, I decided to write this up. Credit for original idea goes to The Brat Queen, who wrote a wonderful review slamming 'Queen of the Damned' around 2002.)

MAD Spoilers within.


Mortal Kombat: Annihilation - A review.
By GideonFlux - AKA - Rich Beck. November 5th, 2007. Finished November 6th, 2007.

Mortal Kombat: Teh Two was bound to happen after the success of the original film in 1995. Salivating fans like myself were waiting to be satisfied with a respectable sequel to the said original - You know, the one that remains as one of the only successful video-game to movie transitions. The one with that cool guy from Highlander as Lord Raiden. The one where we forgave the retconning. Yeah. Instead, we got Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

It starts out by showing us the identical opening from the original film, the spinning and flaming stone Mortal Kombat dragon. The music only changed it's pacing. Suddenly it morphs into the Liberty Bell and, um, breaks into pieces. Cue Barbara Walters to fill us in.

In pure US Magazine style, the narrative by Barbara attempts to wrap up some of the first movie with the tired line of 'about life, not death, and please for you to stop calling me Barbara.' Yes, because it turns out Barbara is actually Raiden. But, later.

The introduction e'splains that, see, even though Earth owned Outworld - Shao Kahn busts out with his Plan B and makes it all about him for the moment. Until we, the audience, realize that Sonya Blade has left and replaced her with someone else. Johnny Cage dies very quickly. Like, within the first ten to fifteen minutes. But that's totally after Sindel arrives, who's Kitana's mom and has been possessed. There's Sheeva, and Rain, and Ermac. Motaro's there to show us that not all of the special effects suck, until the fight takes part. Oh, yeah, that's going on downstairs while we're getting an uber long pan out of all of those characters. Oh, and Mankind will rest in peace in six days. This is important.

Raiden and Shao Kahn decide against discussing things and throw down. It cannot be stressed enough how poor the special effects are in this scene. The white that surrounds the characters is so obvious, especially where-ever hair's concerned, that you cannot help but be distracted. It looks like they cut it all out by hand. While they were on speed. In a dark room. Seriously. Meanwhile, the fight. Everyone else stands there as the adults play, until Kahn bitches out and hides behind Sonya. Johnny Cage performs his only notable scene in the movie and dies.

Liu Kang and Kitana are there. They seem confused, with that 'wtf are these people lol' look on their faces - But we understand. The happiness of Robin and Talisa's return is what I still enjoy about this movie. I liked how they portrayed their characters.

Raiden, however, fails considerably. This Raiden is the Raiden you get for an eleven year olds birthday party. His hair is nonsense. The most obvious wig since Miss Yvonne. His acting is cringe-worthy at times. Admittedly, his fighting isn't bad.

I will say this. The fighting in this film was a little cool. There were times where the special effects and wiring stunts were a bit overdone, but for the most part the fighting saves some segment of this film.


Anyway.

So the fighting stopped now. Johnny Cage has been erected on something that means nothing growing from the ground. No, seriously. Quasimodo erupts with Johnny on his back, with a blubbering Sonya staring until Kitana is all 'gtfo' and they all haul ass into a hole that Raiden has created. Seriously, did the monks who built The Temple of Light not know all this shit was hidden around these parts?

Back to the flick. We're explained the basic storyline from MK3 by Raiden, except that it's missing all of the basic storyline of MKII. So those of them who cannot fill in the blank are left confused. While those of us who can are left e'splaining through the explanation on the screen. This shouldn't have to happen.

Liu Kang is told to seek Little Bear whilst Sonya is told to locate Jax. So off everyone goes in spinning balls. Because, see, the Earth's core gives off energy. Right? So, people have managed to build intricate tunnels that criss-cross across the continents - And their method of travel is a spinning orb of iron. Now, realistically speaking, this entire concept fails basic science. Fantastically speaking, this entire concept fails because it's made of stink and disease. But it works to get the peoples where they need to be.

Outworld. Shao Kahn's courtyard. Everything's drenched in purple. Shao Kahn straps his bitch on, but his father who is Shinnok who looks like a filthy hippie, says he has failed and e'splains and exposes the plan and the plot. One should never underestimate the power of teh human spirits.
Somewhere that's not the desert - Kitana and Kang are wandering through shades of Tim Burton's 'Labyrinth' and having a moment, but then smoke shows up, upon which Smoke shows up. The smoke, btw, looks like some fog machine type stuff. I'm a smoker, I know wtf smoke looks like.

Moving on.

Kitana and Kang smack their bitches up, and one of the better things in this film happens when Kitana pulls her fans out. I was all over that scene, man. This fight drags, until Sub-Zero arrives in on the bed from 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks,' freezing Smoke who was jussaboot to shoot a missile at Kang. But everyone decides that Smoke sucks at tag and kicks his ass off the bridge.

Kang and Kitana discuss Chris Crocker with Sub-Zero, who offers to take them to meet Crocker - He freezes thin air to form a snow bridge to take them into Crocker's domain. The Hell of Eternal B-52's. But suddenly Scorpion shows up and another fight erupts! Scorpion and Sub-Zero(finally) do battle in a pretty cool way, until Sub-Zero realizes gravity and Scorpion appears and disappears with Kitana. Kang whines a bit, but Sub-Zero offers him a Heineken and tells him that it's all good.

Sonya finds Jax while Raiden runs off to buy clippers and speak to the Elder Gods. Her base has been raided a little by the Extermination squads - And the only one left there is, surprise, Jax. Jax who is fused to a medical table by way of his spiffy new metal arms. Sonya disapproves and fills Jax in on what we are still explaining to the clueless people. Suddenly we all turn and stare as Jax's lines become more and more ridiculous. He's seriously one of the worst stereotypical characters I've ever seen.

There's another fight involving Sonya and Jax. This one features Cyrax - The yellow robotic ninja that would eventually become Sonya and Jax's BFF. And Cyrax channels Darth Vader and explains about Shao Kahn, but Jax is all 'Shao WHAT?' But anyway. Sonya and Jax whoop the asses of all four members of Uber Evil Extermination Squad - And Cyrax is finished off with an admittedly cool version of Sonya's Kiss of Death. This scene owns until Jax says something about a barbecue and everyone in the movie theater begins to wonder if Ice-T is, in fact, playing Jax.

Shao Kahn's crib. This time we're shown a meeting of sorts between Kahn's allies. Or his captains. Or, something. We're really not told what these people do. But it's damned sure that they want to be the General after Kahn kills Rain because his panties are twisted because his father screamt his ass. Queen Sindel is chosen as the General, which makes perfect sense.

Kang has wandered everywhere to find Little Bear. No, seriously. Cue longest montage ever of Asian Man Walking. I mean, I seriously got the point that he walked for hours. Kang is attacked by a wolf, which is actually Little Bear. The guy who played Little Bear in 'Indian in the Cupboard' played Nightwolf, so I'm only being cute by implying that they were almost the same character.(lol@litefoot)

Little Foot is telling Kang that not only is his animality 'pretty cool, huh,' but he's also going to teach him how to find his own! This is after Kang pisses all over to announce his manhood, and Little Bear screamts him. Animalities. There are tests. But there's a slow way and a fast way - Kang chooses the fast way and is denied consciousness. He enters a dream-state, and I'm going to venture into Occult realms and offer that this entire concept is based around the Shaman ideas of inner realms and primal qualities, et cetera. Only this is the New-Agey Shaman-Lite version. This entire concept is what makes this movie suck hard.

We're shown Kang's home-movies. We see his brother, Chan, which reminds us how much we loved the first movie. Kitana tells Kang that he has failed her, and that he's not the l33t h2x0r she thought he was. We see Shang Tsung again, and Shao Kahn. Kang stokes the 'fire that burns inside of him,' and tells the visions to stfu. He snaps awake after his eyes channel Reptile, and suddenly it's snowing. No, it's snowing in the desert. And Jade is there. She's freezing her ass off. Because she's dressed naked for the desert. She's wearing strips of fabric across her body. She wants Kang, and she makes this known by fondling him, warming herself up against him, and trying to kiss him. Kang remembers his fever blister and stops Jade. She gets very salty and turns into Uber Jade. No, she twirls and turns. into. Uber. Jade. And it stops snowing. Must be a California thing. Or an Arizona thing. Or a Hopi Mesa thing.

Jade kicks Kangs ass for a bit, taunting him about sucking pretty bad. But Kang takes her down, and Jade giggles like an irksome anime character and says he passed the test. Kang is all 'another of Little Arm's crazy tests!' Jade secures his confidence and says 'we must go.' Because why not trust some random woman in a time like this?

Kitana, meanwhile, is in Kahn's digs. She's caged up, and Kahn offers her a few things - Wine among them. She spits a mouthful at him and denounces him with 'you killed my father, you drove my mother to kill herself, you never paid for my college tuition' and what-not. He punishes her and takes away her emergency credit card.

Somewhere that becomes, as you'll see, the rest of Earthrealm; Jax and Sonya are bickering about 'realms and all that.' And 'who the hell is Johnny.' Jax goes off about stuff nobody cares about and Sonya finds another Quasimodi. Suddenly the Pink Ranger appears.

Mileena is my favorite character. So I try to see the good parts in this scene. As small as Mileena's role is - I liked it. If you hated it, feel free to add this part of the review below. I will state, however, that the fight is a bit nonsense. There's suddenly mud that goes on and off of the costumes. And one of the rocks is obviously, um, foam.

Sonya wins, of course. Mileena's dragon tattoo, which omgCyrax had, flies away. I think this means that they return to the Netherealm.
Mad people suddenly appear, and this is obviously the Extermination Squad that ran late in the earlier attack against Sonya Blade and Jackson Briggs. This one is mad populated.

Raiden is talking to the Elder Gods. One of the, for some reason, reminds me of the faucet commercials. Not entirely sure why. But anyway, they tell him that he's correct in thinking that Kitana and Sindel are the keys to unraveling Kahn's plan. And they tell Raiden that if he loves mortals, he must sacrifice his immortality. And his wig.

Sonya and Jax have successfully hauled ass from the Extermination Squad, and are meandering about until OMGJADE kicks Jax and Kang appears to stop Sonya from whooping ass. They all explain one another's existance, with Jax making it obvious that he'd like to nail Jade. Sonya makes it obvious that she would also like to nail Jade - To a flaming cross. They continue to argue, and Kang says that shite is hopeless.

Raiden, now known as Sting, flips from a very high place. He fans his feathers and scolds the group for bitching and tells them to never ever give up hope. The Extermination Squad has caught up with the group, headed by Kahn and Sindel. Kahn tells Sindel to destroy everything, and so she screams and destroys everything except the fighters, who have escaped by way of Sting's 'Desert Rose' video.

In Outworld, everyone complains about the feeling of ickiness left by the gateway, and begin looking at the admittedly cool ruins of their World scattered across the landscape. I dug this scene. The skeletal bodies writhing from their cars just looked awesome. But then the dialogue returns. We're back in Shao Kahn's place - He and Mister Van Dreesen discuss the immannent annlihashion, mocking the stewing and still caged Kitana. Basically he's filling a few plot-holes. Which is like saying he's diving by zero. On an abacus.

So the gang's meandering in places they shouldn't be, when omgthe3ninja's appear. A Screamer from Harry Potter announces the arrival of Sindel, who throws down. Her cape.

Sting is fighting the ninjas, because the other gifted fighters are evidently too busy discussing Kneedle-point with the Amish residents of Outworld. After the drawn out and pointless fight, which I'm unsure is supposed to showcase the music or the bad stunt double, we're back outside. You can tell it's outside because the sky is made of strobe-lights and dark fail. Jade has whooped the ass of Sindel 'from behind' and everyone agrees that this was good. We have to reunite Kitana, who Kang is off saving by himself, with Sindel. Because that's the point.

Kang finds Kitana damned easily, killing a Baraka. But it could be Shang Tsung, because those who have 'verra good eye' can see that Baraka totally morphs into Rain as he falls into the fire. Or Ermac. Or maybe it was Eminem. Who can be sure?

Sheeva shows up just in time to be squished by the horrendous acting of this entire scene - Oh, and the cage that Kitana was in because she's free now. But do I dare mention that our two heroes stood inside the cage kissing? No, like someone can't just walk over to the (low hanging) cage and just, um, push it shut? Whatever.

So we reunite Kitana with Sindel, and before ensues what would happen if a Mary Sue wrote Mortal Kombat. But then Sindel totally flakes out and tells Kitana that, no, she hates her and has 'never loved her' and, um, your mom. This scene, this entire scene, is made of epic fail. Jade's hair and make-up is suddenly all gothed out and she's all evil now. But then she smarts the fuck up when Sindel hauls ass - Leaving her green ass to escape by way of teeny-tiny-hole-in-window-screen. Or something.

So we have exposition time now, because the gang SRSLY wants some answers for what just happened. Sting tells everyone present that the elder gods 'must have' lied. Everyone kicks up for a moment and ponders this apparent monumentally cryptic fact - But omgtattoo. Sting has the same 'got from a 7-11 sticker machine' tattoo on his back. Or his shoulder. Sonya fags out and is all 'I saw that before! On a robot and a woman!' and Sting is all 'course, it's my heritage and only I can have it.'

Everyone stares at Sting, but he clarifies and says that they were, as we said above, temporary. But we have more important problems, because it's told to us that Sting and Kahn are omgbrothers and that Shinnok is his daddy. Shinnok denies this from somewhere in the air, and everyone agrees that Sting is fail.

So all we have is Kang. Does Robin Shou not own a mirror? His hair, man. Even in the first movie. Can we get some hot oil and some scissors? Sorry.

The same place as before in Outworld. Just cause.

Everything on the Earth has been condensed into model-form and has been sucked into Outworld. It's all rotted out now and hideous, because it's coming from the, um, ground. No, seriously. The Eiffel Tower is coming from the ground. Right next to Manhattan, which has been moved to The Temple of the Order of Light. Kitana knows wtf that is, and tells Kang so. He is momentarily butt-hurt at seeing his beloved temple in shades of ruin. But everyone pats each other on the back. Sting passes a joint. Someone slips a Xanax into someone's hand in the audience for having an anxiety attack.

Showdown. Somewhere nowhere near the rest of Outworld. Everyone has their chosen fight ahead - And each one, as I'm sure anyone reading this can remember, is notable only in how comically they twist when you think the good guys are getting their asses whooped. But yeah, so there's a shitload of fighting that happens. Sting has been died for a little while. The lying ass elder gods are there, too, and they are all "My BFF MOOORTAL KOMBAAT!" And this all leads up to Kang turning into Oprah Winfrey and Kahn being, um, something else. I have no idea wtf they are supposed to be, so let's call them AIDS and Fail. AIDS and Fail do battle and Fail fails because he's totally mortal now because of consequences. You'll note that I just wrapped the entire rest of the movie up, because I cannot type out what I can barely even watch. But even Ice-T, or Jax, agrees - Because even he 'has done seen everything.' No those are seriously his lines.

The only thing I will say is that Shinnok turns into a box when the good guys kick teh ass. WTF! This is one of the things that really get me. I want to burn down an orphanage when I remember that scene. He morphs into a Rubix Cube and just goes away. Who does that?

So with the box, our plot is go bye-byes.

Earth is saved. All of the damage from the merger? Totally finished. Life on Earth is like how it was left - But only very fucking QUIET. So quiet, in fact, that in one scene the quietness lasts long enough that you wonder about your life. Seriously, in the time that passes during said dead quiet, you could balance your checkbook; shave your ass; discuss theology with other movie-goers; take a piss and grab some popcorn; smoke a cigarette; roll your own cigarette; go to sleep on people next to you; drool and draw pictures with it; get Henna done. Or you could do what my friend did when we saw it ten years ago in the theater - Make a disturbingly loud fart noise. Either way, make use of this time.

So we're all on green grass and monks are dancing beneath rays of glorious sunlight and Sindel is good now and dressed in white. Everyone, seriously and I am not making this up, puts their arms around one another and walks off into the mid-afternoon sun. They seem so effing proud of themselves that I want the Earth to just fucking explode and kill them all. Monks included.

Holy Christ on a revolving pogo-stick.

And now, the specifics:

The good: Soundtrack; some fighting; the one really pretty tree in the garden; Mileena; Kitana's fans; Johnny Cage dies; some of the renders of Outworld and the various 'destroyed' scenes; the eject button.

The bad: Soundtrack's volume; some fighting; random cameos and uselessness of well known, important characters; the badly written storyline; the lack of said storyline because even the writers couldn't do it; Sindel's hair; anything involving robots, Motaro, Sheeva, Shao Kahn, Shinnok, etc; that it cannot even be called a B-Movie; the chairs in the movie theater make known their true discomfort; your smoking habit; 9/11; AIDS; SIDS; the Philadelphia Eagles(I'm from Philly. I know.) - Basically take everything wrong in life and our existance and place it squarely on the shoulders of one of our, or at least my, most beloved obsessions.

Here's to still loving Mortal Kombat even after Teh Two.
-Flux