Full speed ahead, El Capitán! We are far past the half-way point, and there be choppy waters ahead, but by Neptune's nipples, we're going to finish this through, for better or worse!

We've covered Sheeva, Nightwolf, Mileena, Smoke, Shang Tsung, Stryker, Reptile, Sonya's boobs, Sonya Blade, Sektor, Johnny Cage, Baraka, Kabal, Rain, Cyrax, Quan Chi, and Kenshi, and there's so many more to cover!

So, who we got this week? Well, *ahem*, so glad ya asked, mate! We're taking a trip down under, to the fertile lands of marsupial mistakes of God, baby-eating dingos, and swarthy, hairy, masculine manly men.

(It's been scientifically proven that if you're a straight man and you feel attracted to Hugh Jackman, that doesn't mean you're gay; it just means you haven't met a woman as awesome as he is yet)

So give a nice, warm welcome to video gaming's greatest Aussie, and MK's least classy fighter, Kano!

("Classy"? Kano eats "classy" and craps out blood!... which may be the result of his lifelong hemorrhoids flaring up, but you don't need to know that!)

WHO IS KANO?
Kano is Mortal Kombat's most recurring and enduring thug, a crime lord and opportunist who, through luck, fate, and the nature of being a cowardly, backstabbing bastard, has enduring through Mortal Kombat to be in far more games than common sense would dictate he should've been in. He's literally backstabbed everyone he's ever worked with, yet for some reason villains keep him around.

(A philosophy that Megatron subscribes to)

If it sounds like I'm hating on Kano, I'm not. In fact, his bad qualities are actually the reasons people like him so much! There's a saying that "everyone loves a good bastard" and Kano most certainly fits the bit. I mean, how would I describe Kano? Here, one second. Let me open the floor up to someone I'm sure we all know...


Hi there Shang. How've you been? Glad to have you with us. You doing well?


Yes, yes. We heard. Sorry to hear about your troubles. But we're short on time, so I was wondering if you could tell us a bit about your buddy Kano. I mean, he is one of your number 1 guys, right? That's an odd choice.


Thanks Shang. I couldn't have said it better myse....


Um, okay Shang. Thanks. You can go now though. Seriously. I have to keep this on-topic. Could you let me get back on Kano?


Oookay....Um, moving on...

Kano is, in many ways, Mortal Kombat's greatest accidental success. The Kano that we know and love today is a combination of so many things the Mortal Kombat team did entirely by accident, then married to an insane amount of retcons and unique personal touches that every single Kano portrayal has added, leaving us with a Kano that is nearly 100% different from the Kano of MK1, and yet, for all MK's retcons and reboots and plot holes, Kano is possibly the one nobody is very upset about.

(This one, however....)

But let's look deeper as to why Kano is in this series, and how he came to be the Kano we know today.

WHY IS KANO IN THE SERIES?
If you've followed this threads, then you know that most Mortal Kombat characters were as unoriginal as an Asylum Film.

(though Mortal Kombat at least stole GOOD ideas)

And if you haven't been reading these KOTWs, stop what you're doing and go click on a few links at the top of this thread. Seriously. I've been doing this for over 4 months now. Get with the program.

Anyway, many super-hardcore fans know that most of the MK cast were based on pre-existing characters stolen from popular movies at the time. So... what was a really popular movie that had recently come out, with an iconic character with an iconic look, just ripe for ripping off?

(though, to be fair, Kano's eye can shoot LASERS. Can Arnold's eye do that?)

Kano popped up in MK1 as a crime gang leader of the Black Dragon crime syndicate, who also sported a wickedly sinister evil robot eye (tm), and existed as the driving motivation for enduring MK stalwart and my reoccurring wet dream Sonya Blade to even be at the tournament and the franchise as a whole.

(Without Kano, we'd have none of this. He has my eternal thanks.)

However, in the original game, things were different. For starters, Kano wasn't the lovable Australian he is today. Instead, he was Chinese.

(Still more believably Asian than John Turk's Shang Tsung)

Also, currently, we know Kano as being hairy enough to be the missing link between man and Bigfoot...


... but by MK3, poor Rich Divizio's hairline had receded as much as Mileena's thong has up her ass, making Kano look more like a cyborg Nappa rather than our current knife-flinging Furby.

(Bald and beautiful, Rich. You're bald and beautiful. I would be honored to buy you and your chrome dome drinks)

While Rich Divizio gave Kano the gleeful murderlust he has today, you can thank another man for taking the role of Kano, turning it on its head, and spanking it into submission. That man was the late, great Trevor Goddard.

(Trevor Goddard is dead, yet Adam Sandler is out there making "Jack & Jill". We live in a world ruled by an angry, spiteful God, it seems.)

The look, the swagger, the cockiness, the accent... Kano wasn't the lead villain of the film, but his presence was beyond memorable, to the point that everyone who saw the film left the theater with his voice stuck in their heads roaring , "I love punctuality in a woman", " 'Ello baby", "Oooh, now look at this", and "I've studied all your moves".

(I say that to all my lovers too. Anybody whose lines can be used for love-making AND premeditated murder is cool in my book)

Trevor Goddard's performance left such an impression on people, and the MK team themselves, that they just said "screw it" and made Kano 100% Australian in the games and pretended that anything before that never happened.

(the truth is buried somewhere with this game)

Bits and pieces were added over the years. Our current version seems like he's always existed, but he's technically more of a new character than even Quan Chi or Kenshi are, given it took that long to get his essence down. But it was mainly done through happenstance, luck, and lots of trial and error. He's gross, disgusting, disgraceful, vile, putrid, unsavory, and revolting... but those qualities naturally emerged, rather than being thrown in our face from the start.

(Take note, NRS)

KANO'S STORY-
Kano is a championn of the original roster, but while his story technically began in MK1, Kano didn't do ANYTHING that interesting during the tournament. What Kano DID do that was interesting occurred just BEFORE the tournament.

(I hear some interesting things happened before this tournament too)

What happened exactly? What did Kano do that was so bad that it led Sonya on a hell-and-high-water, self-destructive mission to bring him down no matter what pain she endured and got the entire Special Forces to hunt him down like a rabid dog?

Um...


Depending on the source, be it comics, movies, cartoons, games, or even the stellar Kombat CD album, what Kano did and Sonya's motivations for hating him either differ or aren't made clear. Many people still have it in their minds that Kano killed her partner, due to the popularity of the movie, but others stated he killed her fiance, while other just pegged him as a crime lord being hunted by a cop doing her job, while the most recent game states that Kano was a mole in the Special Forces, an informant that fed them false information, and then very cryptically implies that he "used" Sonya in some way, making her feel personally responsible.

Though, we can sum it up either way quite nicely.


Kano hasn't really "developed" since the first game. His role in the story may change, but he never has. It's odd to know that the Sonya/Kano rivalry has endured since the very beginning and has lasted all the way to present day with very little getting in the way (apart from a few kidnappings, deaths, resurrections, more deaths, and faked deaths, of course).

Anyhoo, Kano betrayed his homeworld and allied with Shang Tsung and Shao Kahn in Outworld, providing them with Earthrealm weapons and technology to help them enslave the rest of humanity after Earthrealm would lose the tournament. Since that didn't happen, they just barreled through like jerks anyway during MK3, shooting lasers and rockets and everything else Kano hawked to them for a pint of gold and a pat on the back.

(No word on whether Kano was paid in Kahn Bucks... which would only exist after Kahn took the Queen of England hostage)

And that's basically Kano's role. Who he served might change repeatedly - first Shang Tsung, then Kahn, then the Deadly Alliance, then Onaga, then the Reboot Gods - but he's been hitching up with whoever seemed like the top dog at the time since before the game chronology began.

Between games, however, he did do some noteworthy things. In the original timeline, he betrayed Sheeva when he discovered she killed Motaro and was going to kill Kahn too, then he betrayed Kahn to Shang and Quan Chi, and at some point he found Sonya on a skyscraper and ripped out some of her hair (a fight we all wished we could see, but never have seen), and he popped up again just to get screwed over in Armageddon like everyone else.

(At least he gave Stryker a bad sunburn before he died)

In the new reboot? Not much has changed. Sure, he's hairier, and far more Australian than his last appearance during MK1, but he's still the lackey doing bad things for bad people because he's a bad man who likes to get money to do more bad things.

... Except there were a few surprises that I, admittedly, LOVED.


Chiefly, we learn how instrumental Kano was for Kabal's presence. It was very, very interesting to see Kano, a man we've seen so much violence, anger, and spite from, secretly save a former comrade that fled from his gang, save his life, rebuild him, and attempt to appease him into joining back. It was a strange and yet human moment for Kano, one where we could tell that Kano felt strong kinsmanship towards the former Black Dragon-turned-cop and legitimately wanted his friend by his side again. Even after Kabal beat him and made his intentions clear, Kano was still cracking wise with him like they were old bar buddies. To see Kano act social towards ANYONE, particular a "hero" like Kabal, was, in my opinion, one of the most rewarding moments of the story mode, and it gave a character I was ready to pass off as one-dimensional a layer of empathy that had always been lacking before.

... And then Kano went back to zapping prisoners of war and laughing like a hillbilly retard.

(Oh, that wily Kano. What WILL he do next?)

KANO'S FUTURE-
It's weird that ever-developing characters like Sub-Zero, Kitana, and Kabal are dead... but that Kano is still alive and kicking.

And, since Sonya is alive too, I'm willing to bet that their nearly 20 year long rivalry is STILL GOING TO GO ON.

(It will never end...)

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe they'll do a "enemies team up" bit, but even then, it'd still just be a temporary pause on the vendetta the two have against each other. As much as Kano exists as a memorable and interesting fighter and personality, he's never felt like he had any reason to be in any game other than to give Sonya something to chase after, like a puppy running after a bouncing ball.

(The last time Kano saw a puppy, he ate it whole, just because he could)

Again, we'll see come the next game. I'm willing and eager to eat my own words (mmm, tastes like pudding), but Kano is one of the few characters from MK's "golden age" that I feel keeps showing up in games he has no real place in while more interesting or important characters wind up sitting it out because, oh well, they weren't in MK1 so they get kicked to the curb.

I'd love to see something done with Kano. Something unique and interesting. Hell, even the Malibu comics took Kano and did something interesting with him. The movies practically defined him. I'm going to outright state that, of all Kano's portrayals, the video game versions of him are the blandest, most uninteresting, most uninspired, and most pointless.

(Kano is more interesting in Malibu comics than he is in the games... that's probably a bad thing)

... But there's absolutely no reason things have to stay that way. I would have easily said the exact same thing about characters such as Rain or Smoke or Sheeva or Stryker, and the last game took my expectations, punched them in the face, and told me to wise up and see things from a new perspective. Kano didn't quite get that same level of appreciation this go-around, but there's no reason he can't get something decent and worthwhile in the next game.

And, ultimately, Kano has become someone I can't honestly say excites me about Mortal Kombat, but he is certainly now one of the more interesting and memorable presences in the game, especially with the personal touches he received in MK2011. I believe that Kano really has nowhere to go but up, and he'll only become a better character now with time, yet I still can't bring myself to say he's someone I feel is more worthy of that time and effort than so many others.

But we'll see. I have no hate for Kano, and he's carved himself out a sizable niche of followers recently, so I can only think positive and look to the future. And I think if NRS takes their time, Kano will keep his throne as gaming's greatest Aussie.

(provided Sheeva doesn't take over Australia first)

But sound off! What are your thoughts on Kano? Do you love the bastard? Do you hate him? Hate to love him? Love to hate him? Do you find him an essential part of any MK roster, or do you think he unfairly hogs spots other characters might benefit from? Did you like him in the last game? Do you want more development from him, or are you happy with him as the quintessential Starscream? Let me know! And let me know who I should do next!

Okay people. That's all for this week. Garlador out.