Great joke Elder_God that one was sweet,I like the wishes jokes keep them coming.

Why are sunglasses more expensive than televisions? The 25 inch TV i recently bought was $275 and the sunglasses were $400! I asked the Sunglass store owner why the sunglasses were so fucking expensive. He said, "they shield ultra violet rays from you're eyes." I said, "The TV i just bought can pick up rays coming all the way from fucking outer Space!" The Sunglass store owner said the Sunglasses also had Cable and i felt like a dumbass

Why are sunglasses more expensive than televisions? The 25 inch TV i recently bought was $275 and the sunglasses were $400! I asked the Sunglass store owner why the sunglasses were so fucking expensive. He said, "they shield ultra violet rays from you're eyes." I said, "The TV i just bought can pick up rays coming all the way from fucking outer Space!" The Sunglass store owner said the Sunglasses also had Cable and i felt like a dumbass

That one took the spot,you're number one Slugunner1023.

Ok, i thought of another one

Howcome the people who say they have been abducted are always the same people? It's never a Black guy, a hispanic, or some physasist from the Netherlands? It's always some dumb white fuck in the middle of nowhere! Heres what one said when he was interviewed for the news, "I been abducted, and analy probed by 2 aliens disguised like my buddies, Brad and Duke. They took me to their alien ship that was disguised as the barnhouse. Their language sounded like humans when they giggled!" If aliens are really anal probing any human they get, whats going through their minds! "Oh we have mastered the travel of time and space but the anal cavity alutes us! We have discovered that the vast portal of all other galaxies is deep inside the human ass!" Seriously, what the fuck is up with them???

The talking parrot:

This guy walks in a pet store looking for the perfect pet. He looked around and found a nice parrot. So the guy walks up to the parrot keeper and says hello I would like to buy that parrot. The parrot keeper replys "ok but be careful the bird will mock you". The guy pays for the parrot and walks out of the store with his pet.

The next day the guy and his friends go fishing. The guys friends push him in the water the guy says "damn this water is cold". The parrot mocks it down.

The day after that the guy and his friends go bull fighting. A bull comes charging at the guy and he say's "you see that stupid mother fucker try to kill me". Parrot mocks it down.

The very next day the guy and his friends go hunting. One of the guy's friends shoot a deer in the leg. The guy walks up to the deer a say's kick him in the ass he'll get up. Well the parrot mocked that down.

On sunday the guy takes the parrot to church with him. The parrot flies over to the fountain to get a drink of water and he says "damn this water's cold. The guy throws a bible at the parrot to shut him up and the parrot says "you see that stupid mother fucker try to kill me". With all this excitment going on the precher passes out. The parrot flies over next to him and says "kick him in the ass he'll get up".

Here is another funny joke.

Santa's Sack:
Why is santa's sack so big? because he only cums once a year.

Holy shit! those were really good!

They now know:

A priest and a Jewish guy were talking to eachother walking out of the bar and the Jewish guy asks, "Hey, you heard the one about us?"

Several years ago,
a man moved his family cross-country from Los Angeles County to a small New England town.He didn't realize how "city-fied" his kids were until the oldest one asked when were we going to see the show he kept seeing road signs for. Seeing his confusion, he piped-up, "You know, the Dancing Reindeer show!" I totally cracked up when he realized his son was referring to the deer-crossing signs that were posted on the rural routes we were traveling!

ElDeR_GoD is right now number one the board for jokes
it's up too someone too take it back.

I think the most faithful religion is the Jewish. They followed Moses in the desert for 40 years with no map. There must have been 1 guy in the back saying, "Hey, i don't think he knows where hes going. Hey Moses, you're lost you cock eyed bastard! I started this trail when i vas 10! Thats my footprint there! 15 years ago! Circles! We're walking in circles! Don't shush me Shiela! Enough is enough! Get the bags, we're opening a deli."

That one was great Slugunner1023 but it didn't took the number1 spot,sorry.

OK, i got another one

"My wife was pregenant a hile ago for 35 hours. Longest channel surfing in my life. The nurse comes in and asks, "How long have you been pushing?" "3 hours, theres nothing on tonight." "Is this your first one?" Not i got 3 at home, 1 black and white and 2 color." Then the doctor gave me the privaledge to cut the abilicle cord. I didn't want to cut the cord. Babies get switched around or possibly stolen. This is obviously the best way to prevent it. The way you can prove to the security that it's your baby is show that it's still connected."

That's a internet joke,please post your own joke!

There was once a mother and a father who had a young boy named Billy.

Billy caught his parents fighting one night, they were throwing insults horribly, calling each other bitches and bastards and whatnot. After the fight, the confused Billy asked, "Mommy, what is a bitch? What's a bastard?"

"Well, Billy," she began, not wanting to corrupt her child, "a bitch is another word for a woman and a bastard is another word for a man."

The next day, it began to rain. Billy's parent's were making a list of things to get from the grocery and drug store. On her way out, his father shouted to his wife "Don't forget to pick up the tampons and condoms."

To his embarrassment, he realized that his son was behind him. He turned around.

"Daddy, what are tampons and condoms?"

"Well, son," his father began, "it's raining out today and I didn't want your mother to get wet. A condom is another word for a raincoat and a tampon is another word for an umbrella."

The next morning, which was a Monday, his father was preparing for work and his mother was making breakfast. He walked into the bathroom just as his father cut himself shaving and yelled "Shit!"

"Daddy, what is shit?"

"Oh...it's another word for shaving."

Satisfied, Billy went to go talk to his mother, who was cutting peppers to put in an omelette. She yelled "Fuck!" loudly as she cut her finger.

"Mommy, what is fuck?"

"Oh...it's another word for cutting food."

Well, the very next day was Thanksgiving. It was again raining and Billy was expecting a lot of people over for dinner.

The doorbell rang. And as his guests came in, this is what Billy said...

"Good evening, bitches and bastards. Please give me your tampons and condoms...Daddy is upstairs shitting, and Mommy is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."




A little boy is in Wal-Mart with his mother. They are browsing by the toy
section and he sees a bike that he absolutely falls in love with. He asks
his mother to buy the bike, and she says "maybe if you're a good boy,
Jesus will see to it that you get the bike."

The boy goes home, shirking his chores, and begins to write a letter.
"Dear Jesus," he starts. "If I am good for one whole year, PLEASE make my
mommy buy me that bike."

His mother begins to yell as him from downstairs, telling him to stop
talking to himself and do his chores, scolding him for being bad.

He does his chores, fed up already with being good, and starts another
letter. "Dear Jesus, If I am good for one whole month, make my mommy buy
me the bike."

He then goes outside and begins playing with his sister, whom he instantly
is irritated by. He punches her. The girl runs back to their mother, and
he is scolded yet again.

He goes back up to his room. "Dear Jesus, if I am good for just one whole
day..."

Suddenly his mom's voice sounds from downstairs, yelling at him for
tracking mud into the house.

He cleans up the mud, creeps to his mother's room and steals a statuette
of the Virgin Mary. He hides it under his bed and starts another letter.

"Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

LOL! That internet joke that you speak of was stolen from an actual comedian! I heard it on TV

"Look at the canadian flag, it's not a symbol of power, it's a leaf! Don't screw with Canada! It'll dry up and blow away! Canada should just attack another country. Man nobody will see that coming. They rest for 275 years and attack Turkey! They show and say, "Fuck you, we're takin it! And we're calling it Chicken you assholes!"

You suck you're number1 now but don't use obcene language in this thread please.here are the rules!
No cursing.
original jokes only!
Don't go too far in the religious stuff.
No badwords.
and that's all we can resume now!

sorry, i didn't know

"I have an idea to stop illeagal immigration. It's very simple, Burning River of Gas. 1 huge burning river of gas that seperates the U.S and Mexico. I say we do Canada too, just to be fair. Also, the burning river of gas will make tourist attraction. I would go see that, wouldn't you? A huge fire right in front of my face, I would be like "Woah!" Every once in a while someone tries to run across on fire, "AAArrrghh!" Then a ranger would put him out and throw him on the other side. "Better luck next time." Or maybe we can turn it on and off just to make the others go for it. That would be the best vacation ever!"

A Private First Class gets stationed at an army base in the middle of a desert. He meets his commanding officer, who gives him a tour of the base. After noticing that there are no females on the base, he asks the officer, "What do you guys do when you need to screw?" The officer points to a beat up old shack and says, "The guys usually use the donkey in that shed." Okay, the soldier says.

One night, the entire base is awoken by loud braying coming from the shed. The Officer goes to investigate and finds the soldier screwing the living hell out of the donkey. "What the hell are you doing?", the Officer asks. The soldier says, "You said to use the donkey if I need to screw." The officer said, "Yeah, you're supposed to ride it into town."

two mobsters meet up by a baron country side road.One mobster is deaf mob boss and has a translator.The The mobster asked the boss where the mobs stash was at the boss did some signals and the translator says the boss doesnt know and the mobster puts a gun to the boss's head and said he will kill him if he doesnt tell him.The boss says in sign language "fine it is under the barn over by the highway"and the translator says the boss said i dont care kill me

secondgen you're now number1, SUB_ZERO you're
number3,now we can remsume.I want someone too track the jokes for me?

I got yet another 1


Jacob worked in a pickle factory in the amish country of pennsylvania, and came home early one day and his wife asked "your home early, whats wrong?" he said "I don't know how to tell you this but,...I got fired today" his wife said "oh...what happened?" jacob said "well, a few of the guys were kidding around and talked me into putting my pecker into the pickle slicer." his wife then said" oh jacob..hows the pecker?" he said "its ok." and his wife asked "what happened to the pickle slicer?" he said"well they fired her too."

"One time at one of those electronic stores, they let you play, those Nintendo games and there was a football game on it. I tried to play it, but i couldn't do anything cause i didn't know how to play. So when this kid started playing, i asked, "How do you pass the ball". And the little kid says "Oh you just have to press the C-up button, rotate the controll system than press A,A,B,B,Up,Down,Down,A,B,A,B and then C-left button." And then I asked, "Why don't they make a button that says freaking pass!?"

A cop once pulled over a black guy. The black guy's friend asked, "Why did he pull you over?" The black guy answered, "I'm Black." When the cop walked to his car, he asked, "Do you know how black you were going?" The black guy says, "Somwhere by Denzel Washington?" The cop says, "Actually i got you right under 50 cent."